There are no sides

I had a conversation with one of my best friends about how people have been choosing sides. Well, there are no sides. I am all by myself. I don't feel like that is some great tragedy. I am sad about it of course, but I just need people to back off. I don't need the great girl speech. I don't need the it will be alright talk. Eventually someone will choose me. I guess now just isn't my time.

Secrets

I already know that this is going to be a difficult post because I'm at my sister's house and I am surrounded by my nieces laughter. Their laughter is supposed to be like this sweet serum, but is like a knife cutting through to my heart. I love them, but it... I won't ever be able to have what my sister has. I won't be able to have what so many of you have and right now it's all too much to even imagine.

I feel like I'm so tired. I'm so tired of the bad things that just keep happening. I understand this to be one of those things. It is one of those things where I could have done something or not to change the outcome, but now it's too late for all of that and there are just an endless sea of tears. There are tears that don't have a beginning or an end. I wish I didn't have to do this by myself. But last year I made a decision to never talk about it with anyone except him. Last year I made a decision to just somehow deal with it and to this point I have. Up until today it has been just one of those things that the doctor said. But today I woke up and I knew it was a little more than just what she said. It is something that I have to accept. I just wish I didn't have to do it by myself.

I Am Whatever You Say I Am

The Devil Is Busy

This morning I came to work excited about the end of another work week. I had a song in my head and it seemed all was well. I opened my email for another attack. In the past couple of days I've been called a horrible person, uncaring, waste of space, you name it. This morning the parent of one of my students took it a bit farther. Every single word in this wonderful email was either lie or threat and I sat there just dumb founded. I didn't know what to say or do. I didn't know where it would even originate from. Her child is a straight A student. Her child is in my mentoring group. Her child has called and texted me at all hours of the day and night, but before many of you even thought of breakfast the mother made me feel like getting my purse and walking off my job.

As a teacher, this has been my lowest week. I've wanted to just leave so many times. I was told yesterday, "You are an adult. Brush it off." How does one stand on the front line day after day and do that? This morning when stunned turned to tears I started to sing a song. No weapon formed against me shall prosper. It is a simple verse, a comforting scripture. The tears didn't immediately stop, but I was comforted. I remembered also my favorite favorite scripture "The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still." (NIV version)

I know that I am being tried and tested for my good. I just ask that you all pray for me. It is getting harder to just stand.

Faith Can Move Mountains

This has been an incredible 7 days. I can hardly explain what it feels like this morning. Last night was my first restless night in a week. This morning, bright and early, I found out why. My initial reaction was shock and sadness. But it felt manufactured. It felt inappropriate. It felt like it belonged to someone else. I considered not going to work. I considered climbing into bed and hiding behind the covers. Something told me to get dressed. Something told me to just move and it would be fine. I got in the car and in my cd player was the answer to my prayers. I cranked up the car and Whose Report was playing. In an instant, I felt relief. In an instant I knew, God's got it. I listened to the song as if for the first time. The way it made me feel was simply loved.

I followed it with It Will Be Alright. I already felt like it would be, but then I knew. I knew that my faith had surpassed any place that it had ever been. I knew that I was walking a new walk. I knew that I was living a different life and the reason the feeling felt inappropriate is because it was. I am God's peculiar treasure. He has His hand on me and what looked like the start of a bad day is just beautiful.

I'm Not Sad at All

I'm writing right now out of necessity instead of desire. It's only 9AM and the glow of another peaceful night's sleep is starting to fade. I have already spent two hours searching the internet. I have already started the process of what may turn out to be my next endeavor. I have already done so much today, but it feels like I haven't done anything. It feels like I haven't even awaken from my sleep. It feels like my day so far is a part of some dream I keep having.

I keep wondering when I will feel sadness over the loss of my job. I'm not wondering because I want to feel sad. I wondering because people keep asking me why I'm not. I haven't shed a tear or felt down. I haven't done anything except been at peace. Somehow that doesn't seem to be enough. The question I keep getting is will you go home? I am puzzled because I am home. I live in Tallahassee. I didn't move here for Lincoln. I moved here for God. God still has work for me to do right here. God put Tallahassee in my heart when all I wanted was my mama, my family/friends, and Westcoast.

I was speaking to one of my sisters about how God keeps giving me the things I always wanted. I always wanted to work at an A school. I can say that I've done that. I always wanted to work for Atlanta Public Schools. I was offered that. I believe that God is on the verge on granting some of my other desires. Only this time, I think He is working on the ones that are in my heart way down on the inside. I am so hopeful and so optimistic about what is to come. So I say to all of you, please don't feel sad for me. My future is in God's hands and that is all right with me.

Peace

I woke up this morning completely at peace. I had the most restful sleep that I can recall ever having. I am not rattled by yesterday's events. I am not really thinking to deeply about it at all. My state of mind seems to be astounding some of my friends. People have been asking what will you? Are you ok? I understand of course that these things are the nature of people. My reaction is I am fine. I am not broken. I am not upset. I am fine. I feel like I don't have a care in the world and for me that's great. I've been here before. I've had to face an uncertain (immediate) future. The last time I did it with equal humility and tears. This time I'm blessed with the memory of the last time and the knowledge that God controls the beginning and the end.

Number One

I've spent my whole life wanting to be #1. I've never felt like I was the most important person to anybody. Right now I feel the weight of that statement. Right now I feel it crushing me. I just want to be #1. I want to be a priority instead of a second or third or fourth thought. I want to know how it feels more than anything.

The saddest thing is people will read this and not understand. People will read it and not accept the simplicity of I just want to be #1. People will read it and not be able to imagine what it feels like to not ever be considered first. I feel every bit of it, but I can't capture how it makes me feel. I can't explain the nagging. I can't explain the way it is when no one sees your need as priority. I can't explain why I don't even prioritize myself. My life is and has always been prioritized by the needs of others. What does this person or that one need. I bend over backwards to accomodate every single person except the one who keeps having to accept less. I just want to be number 1.