Is It Worth Fighting For?

Twelve years ago I met a boy while I was an undergraduate at UCF. In these past 12 years, he and I both have shared so many things. Today as I'm thinking over 12 years of late night talks that turned into early mornings, weekends spent hanging out, encouraging each other when life got rough, and standing by each other when no one else understood... I see our life. I've lived so many important moments with him. I still remember the joy I had when he settled on an engagement ring. Then the empty way I felt when I wasn't there on his wedding day. I can remember the way he said "it's going to be ok" when the doctor made me feel like it just wasn't. I remember my last birthday when no one came except him because I changed our party weekend into one that revolved around church. It meant the world to me and I imagine it meant the world to Cheyenne who he carried around the mall for hours. Then there is what is before us now. Three years and 4 days have passed since we were face to face even though we spent the bulk of that time in the same place. I can't help but wonder is our friendship worth fighting for? Is it worth the silent treatment or the unspoken resentment? Because it is resentment. A simpler way to say it is fear or insecurity. I like those words, but it passed that point a long time ago. You see fear is often situational and insecurity while often irrational, can be overcome. Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure. I am fairly certain that's what we have here. Resentment that is so deeply seeded that nothing or no one except God Almighty can change it. Which brings me back to is it worth fighting for? In a word, no. It's the fight or the perception of fighting that has me at the point of throwing my hands up. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to laugh and have it be for real. I want to tell him that I'm finally ready, really ready to be committed. I've tried to say it to others, but they don't understand. Not really. I want to tell him, but telling him will mean that I'm still in the fight. Sigh.... I wasted some time a few days ago on this. It was wasted time because I spoke to someone about it who doesn't understand that I will not abandon him. It was wasted time because no matter how tired of fighting I am, I will fight for him. I will fight for him because right now even as I am writing this, I know he won't stop fighting for me. Adayinthelife:-)