Five

The jukebox in my head is playing 50 Cent. "Hate it or love it the underdog's on top...." It's also playing Eminem "I am whatever you say I am. If I wasn't then why would I say I am?" A cloudy Sunday afternoon with a head full of slightly old rap music. It's what happens to me sometimes. I reexamine a decision and my mind creates a play list.... a mini soundtrack. Right now I'm hating the decision and the soundtrack. The songs are defiant, but my action was cowardly. I placed myself in an impossible position and made a life altering decision out of fear. Many think it was fear of failure, when truly what was haunting me was the fear of success. What would have happened if I walked boldly, held my head high, and declared with God I can do this? What would have happened had I allowed God to see me through to His end? These questions are rattling around up there right along with Eminem and 50.... I am left with the reality that there is no going back. There is no taking back what I said or what I did. There is a little reflection. A bit more growth and the hope that I can at least better shape tomorrows play list.