What next?

It's been a really long day/night and I don't know whether I want to write this blog anymore. Last night when I posted Stumbling I was so on edge. I'd received a bunch of calls/texts about this drama and the next. I was taken off guard by all of it. I wanted to write how I was feeling. I wanted to express how much was going on inside of me. The fear that I had for what was happening. The sense of dread about what may be to come.

I decided not to write about it out of respect for those people involved. I decided to hold on to what I was feeling in hopes that when I woke up it would all be a big misunderstanding. I kept feeling like I had to say something. I had to give up at least a small part of what I was feeling. I decided to look through my poetry. The first poem that I found was too much about love. The second lacked the sense of urgency that I was feeling. Stumbling was a perfect choice. It appealed to the possibility of love while acknowledging a profound loss. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I remember how I felt when I shared it with the person who it was written for. I knew that he would approve of me sharing it......not as a way to rehash anything, but as a way to say I'm torn about what is happening with my friends right now.

Almost as soon as the posting went up, I received the offensive message that follows:

"What in the FUCK is wrong with YOU. You are displaying a lot of psychotic characteristics. Please go get some help."

I won't say who sent it. It really doesn't matter. I tried to explain what the motivation was (via email). I received 2 more offensive responses. I was angry when I read them. I was angry because I didn't deserve that. I was angry because it made me start thinking about what I'm doing here. I didn't start a blog to dish about anyone's life except my own. But it seems that my decision to not name names creates so much pettiness. Believe it or not, I didn't just start writing poetry. I thought this would be helpful for me, but maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe I will just throw in the towel. A blog is not worth the way the emails made me feel as I read them or how I feel still.