Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Hear my voice now Father. Give me a moment before you let anger consume You. Forgive them dear Lord. Remember You sent me here to save them and to intercede on their behalves. Hear me now precious Father. Please turn away Your wrath. They don't understand who I am Father. Forgive them. They just don't understand.
They whipped me for the liar who claims to tell the truth. He lies so much Father that even I want it to be true. He left work early just the other day, but when he signed his timesheet it was for 40 hours pay. He doesn't understand that the price for those 15 minutes was the very first nail that they placed in my hand. The pain was so excrutiating I thought I would pass out. Instead my ears began ringing from the sound of nail crushing the bones in my hand.
Forgive them dear Father. How was she to know that cussing out that driver would harm me? I still feel the force of those blows. But I'm not angry Father even as I hang. The lashes across my face are dripping blood into my eyes. But I still see her Father she is so angry without a real reason why. The woman that she cussed out had the right of way, but the angry driver used those words because she was having a bad day. Her first word was the short one that begins with s and ends with t. Oh how I feel the pain that that word caused me. The whip pierced my eyesocket momentarily blinding me. But the blood pooling from my face is not merely for her cuss words. They whipped me for everyone who cried Hosanna then crucify Him as if the first word was not heard.
Forgive them Father. It is the only thing to do. They do not understand that this act is about denying you. Father I ask you to consider all of them at once. The liar, the thief, the prostitute, the selfish who are consumed with their own wants. Father, please Forgive them. The pain it hurts me so, but I can't believe they would've hung me if in their hearts they'd known. I sat with you in heaven. I loved them before they were born. I was delighted when they sought you and in their sin I mourned. I didn't want to leave you. Father, you know my words are true. But the love we felt for these Your people was bigger than Me sitting beside You. Father how could they know truly how much they are loved? You sent Me, Your only Son, from heaven to hang here. They couldn't know. Inside my organs are failing, dying one by one. For the cheater my kidney...his mistress my liver... the addict will take both of my lungs... The pain is agonizing. It is a steady assault with no end. For Candy's attitude they stoned me, Natalie's gossip they kicked me, and Brenda's backbiting... Lord God when will it end? For the 8 kids that he fathered year after year with no wife... For the drugs that he sold or the IRS money he stole... Lord forgive them. Please just try.
The very flesh on my body aches for the fights that were caused,the commandments, the laws, and the silver coins that Judas had to take. The gambling, the cars, the lust you have for porn stars...just a moment with them is what I'm carrying today. The pain Father the pain. I'm trying Father. Help me to maintain. You sent me to die for their sins. I have to hold on until I've felt each and every one. I must hang here for the 3 year old who pushed his sister down. For the mother who took the fruit for her kids to eat cause their daddy was no longer around. For the one who denies me and attaches atheist to their name. For the Muslim, the Buddhist, the Christians are not the only ones for which I came. For Father you love them one and all. The murderer, baby mama, and the booty call.... The slut, the whore, the rapist, and the pedophile. Your love covers them all not just those who choose You. But Daddy the pain that is on me is unbearable. Lord God are You there? I can't take this anymore Father. I've had all I can bear. Forgive them precious, merciful Father. I'm pleading. I'm begging You. Daddy do you hear me? Daddy! Daddy! Where are You? I've taken on their sins Father what more must I bear? Transgressions, iniquities, healing... Father are You there? Have You forsaken me Father? Have You abandoned me? Please Father, please I'm gasping for air. Father please forgive them for they know not what they do. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! (SIGH) I'm through.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
Father Forgive Them
Father forgive them for they know not what they do. Hear my voice now Father. Give me a moment before you let anger consume you. Forgive them dear Lord. Remember You sent me here to save them and to intercede on their behalves. Hear me now precious Father. Please turn away Your wrath. They don't understand who I am Father. Forgive them. They just don't understand.
They whipped me for the liar who claims to tell the truth. He lies so much Father that even I want it to be true. He left work early just the other day, but when he signed his timesheet it was for 40 hours pay. He doesn't understand that the price for those 15 minutes was the very first nail that they placed in my hand. The pain was so excrutiating I thought I would pass out. Instead my ears began ringing from the sound of nail crushing the bones in my hand.
Forgive them dear Father. How was she to know that cussing out that driver would harm me? I still feel the force of those blows. But I'm not angry Father even as I hang. The lashes across my face are dripping blood into my eyes. But I still see her Father she is so angry without a real reason why. The woman that she cussed out had the right of way, but the angry driver used those words because she was having a bad day. Her first word was the short one that begins with s and ends with t. Oh how I feel the pain that that word caused me. The whip pierced my eyesocket momentarily blinding me. But the blood pooling from my face is not merely for her cuss words. They whipped me for everyone who cried Hosanna then crucify Him as if the first word was not heard.
Forgive them Father. It is the only thing to do. They do not understand that this act is about denying you. Father I ask you to consider all of them at once. The liar, the thief, the prostitute, the selfish who are consumed with their own wants. Father, please Forgive them. The pain it hurts me so, but I can't believe they would've hung me if in their hearts they'd known. I sat with you in heaven. I loved them before they were born. I was delighted when they sought you and in their sin I mourned. I didn't want to leave you. Father, you know my words are true. But the love we felt for these Your people was bigger than Me sitting beside You. Father how could they know truly how much they are loved? You sent Me, Your only Son, from heaven to hang here. They couldn't know. Inside my organs are failing, dying one by one. For the cheater my kidney.... for the addict my lungs... The pain is agonizing. Oh heavenly Father the pain.... I can't hold on much longer. Father, can you hear me? Are you there? Have You left me all alone? Daddy! Daddy! Father....please welcome Me back home.
They whipped me for the liar who claims to tell the truth. He lies so much Father that even I want it to be true. He left work early just the other day, but when he signed his timesheet it was for 40 hours pay. He doesn't understand that the price for those 15 minutes was the very first nail that they placed in my hand. The pain was so excrutiating I thought I would pass out. Instead my ears began ringing from the sound of nail crushing the bones in my hand.
Forgive them dear Father. How was she to know that cussing out that driver would harm me? I still feel the force of those blows. But I'm not angry Father even as I hang. The lashes across my face are dripping blood into my eyes. But I still see her Father she is so angry without a real reason why. The woman that she cussed out had the right of way, but the angry driver used those words because she was having a bad day. Her first word was the short one that begins with s and ends with t. Oh how I feel the pain that that word caused me. The whip pierced my eyesocket momentarily blinding me. But the blood pooling from my face is not merely for her cuss words. They whipped me for everyone who cried Hosanna then crucify Him as if the first word was not heard.
Forgive them Father. It is the only thing to do. They do not understand that this act is about denying you. Father I ask you to consider all of them at once. The liar, the thief, the prostitute, the selfish who are consumed with their own wants. Father, please Forgive them. The pain it hurts me so, but I can't believe they would've hung me if in their hearts they'd known. I sat with you in heaven. I loved them before they were born. I was delighted when they sought you and in their sin I mourned. I didn't want to leave you. Father, you know my words are true. But the love we felt for these Your people was bigger than Me sitting beside You. Father how could they know truly how much they are loved? You sent Me, Your only Son, from heaven to hang here. They couldn't know. Inside my organs are failing, dying one by one. For the cheater my kidney.... for the addict my lungs... The pain is agonizing. Oh heavenly Father the pain.... I can't hold on much longer. Father, can you hear me? Are you there? Have You left me all alone? Daddy! Daddy! Father....please welcome Me back home.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
And Then....
And then there was none. I have a million things on my mind, homework that's not quite done, and I'm one post away from 2006 or 2007.... either one would be accurate. I need to focus, sleep, eat something. Sigh, I have a way to say it so here it goes. Just like Derwin I don't want to go....
Adayinthelife:-)
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
This I Promise You
Until the day my life is through, this I promise you...for those who know the sweet melodies of NSYNC. I have that song and sleep battling it out for my attention so I will be brief. I realized something last week that I already knew was happening, but I wasn't quite ready to embrace. It is the death of being so accommodating. I used to do things that I didn't want to do so often that I forgot I didn't want to do them. The over 100,000 miles on my car is a testament to trips I was too worn out to take, but went anyway. Days when I should have taken a moment but I traveled, baked, or just made myself accessible. Don't get me wrong I like road trips. I love baking and I like being there for people. I just realize that I was letting what everyone else wanted to do shape my days. Everything comes with positives and negatives. I am calmer, less stressed, and able to read my bible more. I am also missing moments, memories, and just being with you. But....(and you will have to know the song to get this) every word I say is true. This I promise you. I promise you.
Adayinthelife;)
Saturday, March 23, 2013
Agreement
So it's the middle of the night and I'm up because my nap turned into an afternoon in la la land. It's all good though. I am happy that I get the opportunity to write. On this evening's menu is something that has been on my mind for a little while. Do we understand what it means to be in agreement?
Agreement is defined as a harmony of opinion, action, or character. If we are in agreement, we are in harmony. If we are in agreement, we are on one accord. I wonder about our understanding of agreement because some things just cannot be in harmony. On the other hand, agreement is essential to life. When I think about agreement, I think about marriage. In a marriage, the husband & wife are one body. In a marriage, the husband & wife must be on one accord. It is impossible for the relationship to thrive if the two fail to understand agreement. It is impossible for the relationship to live unless they are of one accord. How can a husband have friends that offend his wife? How can the wife have friends who don't like her husband? If they are one body, to offend one is to offend both. If they are one body, to dislike one is to dislike both. But this is not the whole of it.
When I think about agreement, I think about relationship. Friendships flourish or fail based on the level of agreement between the members. The bible says in Amos 3:3, "can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Can two people remain friends, thick as thieves, bffs, ace boon coons, homies, or whatever if they are not in agreement? No, they cannot. As the people change, the relationship changes. Problems arise because people don't understand agreement. How can a Christian, an agent for Christ, be best friends with a nonbeliever? And still this is not the whole of it.
When I think about agreement, I think about family. The popular saying is that families fight. People say it, accept it, and in some ways look forward to it. But again I go to the bible in Matthew 12:50. Jesus said "For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother." He was saying whoever shall be in agreement with my Father, this person is in my family. It was not whoever I fight with. It was about being on one accord with the Father. This is the whole of it.
Marriage is about being on one accord with the Father. Friendships are about being on one accord with the Father. Family is about being on one accord with the Father. The Christian life is completely about being on one accord with the Father. Christians must live in agreement with the Father. Christians must live in harmony with the Father. Doing so is about embracing the Christian life. Doing so is about honoring God. Doing so is about preserving that which is most important. Agreement.
Adayinthelife:-)
Agreement is defined as a harmony of opinion, action, or character. If we are in agreement, we are in harmony. If we are in agreement, we are on one accord. I wonder about our understanding of agreement because some things just cannot be in harmony. On the other hand, agreement is essential to life. When I think about agreement, I think about marriage. In a marriage, the husband & wife are one body. In a marriage, the husband & wife must be on one accord. It is impossible for the relationship to thrive if the two fail to understand agreement. It is impossible for the relationship to live unless they are of one accord. How can a husband have friends that offend his wife? How can the wife have friends who don't like her husband? If they are one body, to offend one is to offend both. If they are one body, to dislike one is to dislike both. But this is not the whole of it.
When I think about agreement, I think about relationship. Friendships flourish or fail based on the level of agreement between the members. The bible says in Amos 3:3, "can two walk together, except they be agreed?" Can two people remain friends, thick as thieves, bffs, ace boon coons, homies, or whatever if they are not in agreement? No, they cannot. As the people change, the relationship changes. Problems arise because people don't understand agreement. How can a Christian, an agent for Christ, be best friends with a nonbeliever? And still this is not the whole of it.
When I think about agreement, I think about family. The popular saying is that families fight. People say it, accept it, and in some ways look forward to it. But again I go to the bible in Matthew 12:50. Jesus said "For whosoever shall do the will of my Father which is in heaven, the same is my brother, and sister, and mother." He was saying whoever shall be in agreement with my Father, this person is in my family. It was not whoever I fight with. It was about being on one accord with the Father. This is the whole of it.
Marriage is about being on one accord with the Father. Friendships are about being on one accord with the Father. Family is about being on one accord with the Father. The Christian life is completely about being on one accord with the Father. Christians must live in agreement with the Father. Christians must live in harmony with the Father. Doing so is about embracing the Christian life. Doing so is about honoring God. Doing so is about preserving that which is most important. Agreement.
Adayinthelife:-)
Thursday, March 21, 2013
They Asked God For a King
Have you found yourself in a situation where you regret the very thing you asked God for? Have you lamented about poor treatment from the one who you say is worthy of you worshipping the ground he walks on? Have you plotted & prayed for a leader that is not quite what you had in mind? Well my friend, you are not alone. You see God's chosen people found themselves in the very predicaments that I speak of. First, they asked Aaron to make them gods to worship. Then they boldly demanded that Samuel appoint a king.
Both of these instances were reactions to human feelings and fear.
In Exodus 32:1 it says "When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come, make us gods[a] who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.”
The people forgot that it was God who led them, not Moses. They feared that Moses was not to return so instead of looking to the true source, they asked for a substitute. The bible details in 1 Samuel 8 the story of how Israel again forgot who was leading them. Verses 4 & 5 read
"So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, “You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead[b] us, such as all the other nations have.”
This request bold as it was stemmed from the feeling that Samuel's sons would not lead in the manner that he had. Again what was missed was the sovereignty of God. God lead Israel out of Egypt. God was already Israel's King. The people were too shortsighted to see that they had what they were asking for. Worshipping other gods and being subject to earthly rulers created havoc that still reigns today. So when you find yourself kneeling, bowing, or just beginning to pray; keep in mind what Israel forgot when they asked God for a king.
Adayinthelife:-)
In Exodus 32:1 it says "When the people saw that Moses was so long in coming down from the mountain, they gathered around Aaron and said, “Come, make us gods[a] who will go before us. As for this fellow Moses who brought us up out of Egypt, we don’t know what has happened to him.”
The people forgot that it was God who led them, not Moses. They feared that Moses was not to return so instead of looking to the true source, they asked for a substitute. The bible details in 1 Samuel 8 the story of how Israel again forgot who was leading them. Verses 4 & 5 read
"So all the elders of Israel gathered together and came to Samuel at Ramah. They said to him, “You are old, and your sons do not follow your ways; now appoint a king to lead[b] us, such as all the other nations have.”
This request bold as it was stemmed from the feeling that Samuel's sons would not lead in the manner that he had. Again what was missed was the sovereignty of God. God lead Israel out of Egypt. God was already Israel's King. The people were too shortsighted to see that they had what they were asking for. Worshipping other gods and being subject to earthly rulers created havoc that still reigns today. So when you find yourself kneeling, bowing, or just beginning to pray; keep in mind what Israel forgot when they asked God for a king.
Adayinthelife:-)
Monday, March 18, 2013
Fraud
So today I went to an Al Anon meeting. I wanted to leave after only five minutes. Unfortunately, I was seated across the room from the door and my departure would have been more conspicuous as my just being there. Before I get too far into this, I went to the meeting for school. I am not currently dealing with an alcoholic. I make this distinction because at times people confuse the wide range of my life with my here and now. This truth is partially why I felt like a fraud. I stopped living the life of someone who was consumed with an alcoholic some time ago. But there I was, a silent intruder, sitting surrounded by people whose struggle is fresh.
I wanted to leave, but I sat there wondering when they would stop talking so I could flee the scene of my emotional crime. I hated being there just as I hate so much of what has become my school experience (rest assured there is a post coming about that). I was told it would be good to see what it was like to be in a group. I didn't need to spend an hour out of my day with that. I've loved an alcoholic for 18 years. I've lived what I listened to. There were moments when he hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel completely helpless. I remember pleading with him to calm down moments before the police led him away for what they thought was him threatening my neighbor with a knife. I remember calling around for hours looking for him when he disappeared in the middle of the night. I didn't need to go to a meeting to see what it is like. The thing is, I am so beyond all of that.
Truthfully, none of it is what defined our relationship or dictated my memories. I remember when I was lost and consumed with grief. He was the one who God sent to help me. He was the one who sat with me in a graveyard in the middle of the night. He was the one that let me grieve the way that I needed to. He was the one who held my hand, let me cry, and reminded me what it was to live. I didn't need to go there to know what living with an alcoholic was like. I didn't need to hear someone say to me " we've all been where you are right now". They haven't. Not at all. They've never been totally alright with loving an alcoholic regardless of the ups and downs. They've never been a fraud.
I'm a fraud because even when things were bad, never not once did I feel like going to a meeting. Never did I feel completely powerless or like my life was out of control. He tried to cut my leg once with a machete, but not even that made me want to do anything except make sure he was going to be safe. I've never felt like I couldn't go forward because he had a drink. His drinking impacted moments in my life certainly. But his love, his patience, his friendship defined those moments. I didn't need to be there to know what it was like. Adayinthelife:-)
I wanted to leave, but I sat there wondering when they would stop talking so I could flee the scene of my emotional crime. I hated being there just as I hate so much of what has become my school experience (rest assured there is a post coming about that). I was told it would be good to see what it was like to be in a group. I didn't need to spend an hour out of my day with that. I've loved an alcoholic for 18 years. I've lived what I listened to. There were moments when he hurt me, disappointed me, made me feel completely helpless. I remember pleading with him to calm down moments before the police led him away for what they thought was him threatening my neighbor with a knife. I remember calling around for hours looking for him when he disappeared in the middle of the night. I didn't need to go to a meeting to see what it is like. The thing is, I am so beyond all of that.
Truthfully, none of it is what defined our relationship or dictated my memories. I remember when I was lost and consumed with grief. He was the one who God sent to help me. He was the one who sat with me in a graveyard in the middle of the night. He was the one that let me grieve the way that I needed to. He was the one who held my hand, let me cry, and reminded me what it was to live. I didn't need to go there to know what living with an alcoholic was like. I didn't need to hear someone say to me " we've all been where you are right now". They haven't. Not at all. They've never been totally alright with loving an alcoholic regardless of the ups and downs. They've never been a fraud.
I'm a fraud because even when things were bad, never not once did I feel like going to a meeting. Never did I feel completely powerless or like my life was out of control. He tried to cut my leg once with a machete, but not even that made me want to do anything except make sure he was going to be safe. I've never felt like I couldn't go forward because he had a drink. His drinking impacted moments in my life certainly. But his love, his patience, his friendship defined those moments. I didn't need to be there to know what it was like. Adayinthelife:-)
Friday, March 15, 2013
You Make Me Sick
You know what Candy? You make me sick. You make me sick the way you sit around and let people talk to you any kind of way. I mean did you hear what he said to you? "You need to lose weight. Nobody asked for your stupid opinion. You F'ing idiot." Really Candy?? You just sat there talking to God in your head. When he screamed shut up, you could've screamed shut up back. But noooo...you'd rather ignore the fact that your silence is killing me.
I'm dying! Do you get that? You are making me sick. You had a perfect opportunity to go off on that chick with her slick comments about your man. I can't believe you said a prayer for her.
WAKE UP CANDY! WAKE UP!
I'm dying and youre saying prayers? Really??? One F word would charge the paddles to 300. Punching her in the face would have completely restored me. But no...you and this the Lord will fight for me crap. Listen if you cuss her out, He will forgive you. You all into the bible now. It says that right? Cuss her out. Please cuss her out. If you don't, I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to be able to survive. I need your help. I need...
"Somebody get in here quick. We're losing him. Charge the paddles. Charge the paddles. What do you mean they won't charge? There must be something. He will die without her feeding him. Kick her. Spit on her. Talk about her mama. Do something to get her mad enough to sin. Hurry... He's gone.
Patient name - anger
Time of death - 6:13p.m.
Cause of death - starvation
WAKE UP CANDY! WAKE UP!
I'm dying and youre saying prayers? Really??? One F word would charge the paddles to 300. Punching her in the face would have completely restored me. But no...you and this the Lord will fight for me crap. Listen if you cuss her out, He will forgive you. You all into the bible now. It says that right? Cuss her out. Please cuss her out. If you don't, I'm not going to make it. I'm not going to be able to survive. I need your help. I need...
"Somebody get in here quick. We're losing him. Charge the paddles. Charge the paddles. What do you mean they won't charge? There must be something. He will die without her feeding him. Kick her. Spit on her. Talk about her mama. Do something to get her mad enough to sin. Hurry... He's gone.
Patient name - anger
Time of death - 6:13p.m.
Cause of death - starvation
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Taking The Next Step
A girl can't help but feel a certain level of excitement when the man she loves says "it's time to take it to the next level". This is a defining moment in a relationship. It signals the moment that their relationship goes from semi committed to the real deal. Phone calls to her parents and closest friends are followed by the inevitable Facebook post and status change. You feel the excitement in her words as you read "We're MOVING IN TOGETHER!!!!" Within minutes the number of likes on her post goes from 10,25,50, to 100. The comments are all "congrats" and "get it girl it's about time". One enthusiastic poster even writes "I told you he was gone step up". As you read, you are completely perplexed. When did moving in together become taking the next step? And why hadn't anybody told you?
The easy thing to do would be to just press like. Copy someone else's congratulatory message. Post it as my own. Hit send. But, something keeps gnawing at me. Something keeps making me stare at the screen waiting for the punchline, an error message, or simply to wake up. This just must be a dream. You are certain that she always talked about getting married. She always talked about raising a family and living to honor God. Now, she's super excited to be moving in together???? Now, she's championing him "taking their relationship to the next level" when the only thing that's changing is her address....
It would be so easy to just press like, but you can't. You can't pretend to be excited about someone moving in together. You can't pretend that "taking it to the next level" means anything to you except standing before God and vowing to love each other as He loves. Because that is what its all about. The next level has nothing to do with playing house. The next level is about declaring that you will love, honor, and respect her. The next level is about a covenant relationship. The next level is about where you are in your relationship with God....sigh
Adayinthelife
Thursday, March 7, 2013
The Pact
I remember when I made a pact with one of my best friends. He was single and trying to find himself. I was single and growing in my relationship with God. We decided that we were going to form a celibacy pact and be each other's accountability partner. We were relatively excited until I looked up the definition of celibacy. You see according to Merriam Webster celibacy means abstaining from sex as well as abstaining by vow from marriage. It was the latter that gave the both of us pause. We had no problem with abstaining, but neither of us had an interest in vowing not to get married. And to be frank, our thought was we were abstaining only until marriage. By no means were we looking for God to take marriage off the table. So we quickly laughed it off and collectively assured God that we only meant we will try not to do it NOW. He had to know how we looked forward to later.
But what if there is no later? What if God's plan was that He was going to be the only spouse that we would have? What would happen to our resolve to save ourselves for marriage if there was to be no earthly marriage? Would being legally single & spiritually married to God be enough? I know the bible says delight yourself in the Lord, but what about my needs, my wants, and my secret desires? I can't tell God that I long to be touched can I? The Lord says do not fear cause I am with you. Do not be dismayed for I am your God. But what about my man? What about the father of my children? WHAT about single, saved, and saving myself equals not ending up with a husband? I couldn't have answered that question five years ago. Now I can say God truly will be your comforter. God will love you, hold you, rock you in such a way that leaves no doubt He is the best you could ever have.
Adayinthelife:-)
Monday, March 4, 2013
Practice What You Preach
The lesson for today is practice what you preach. The bible says in Matthew 18:15 NIV
“If your brother or sister sins, go and point out their fault, just between the two of you. If they listen to you, you have won them over."
I know this scripture. I share it with others. I encourage people to follow it, but I didn't practice what I preached. I decided I was judge and jury. Instead of going to the person, I went to the masses. I tried and convicted and in the end I was wrong. There was no offense committed against me. There was nothing to try or convict. In the end, what was before me was a test and oh how I failed. I failed because instead of looking to God & following His word, I allowed myself to be persuaded in my own mind. I allowed myself to be persuaded by my insecurities. I allowed the ghosts of hurts past to be resurrected and given new life. A few of you know that it had an absolute affect on every aspect of my life. I even dragged a number of you into it. So it was wrong on more than one front.
I can say that I learned something about myself, my commitment, my faith. I talk the talk so much that sometimes I forget to put on my good walking shoes.
Adayinthelife:-)
Sunday, March 3, 2013
In The Middle Of The Night
In the middle of the night is when some people have epiphanies. This is not an epiphany moment. This is a I fell asleep, woke up, and don't want to be alone with my thoughts moment. Just thought I would put that out there in case this is only toe deep.
My thoughts are like a movie flashback for what is now two nights in a row. I can see the past, but I have no concept and only a teaspoon of hope for happy five minutes in front of my face. I am exhausted. It would be simplistic to be reading and mentally pointing fingers. "I wonder what he did now? She should dump him. I wouldn't put up with this. She don't deserve that." News flash it does not matter if he did something. You cannot know what I should do. You have at some point put up with this. A few of you are putting up with far worse right now. And how could you know what I deserve? Now that I have your full attention and you can focus on my thoughts, let me help you.
If you are reading this, someone will hurt you. It may be your best friend, your boyfriend, your father or your mom. Someone that you love will hold your trust in their hands and toss it aside. Someone that you love will forget to say I love you in words, thoughts, and deeds. Someone that you love will make you cry. I have in 37 glorious years been wounded by every single person that I love, but my readers will not reflect on the hurt they at one point or the other caused. They will just read and wonder outwardly what someone else has done. That is lazy. Here is a more productive exercise.
I cheated on the boy who many only know from a date rape story that I wrote in my senior English class. Oh he was guilty of violating me, but I cheated. I cheated and though it was after his act, no one says he didn't deserve that. They only stare at me and wonder how I forgave him. I forgave him because he asked and I was supposed to. He did not forgive me. You see I never asked. I never owned that I cheated. I just projected my hurt feelings for him and the world to pity. Ironically, I loathe the story now. It happened and for storytelling purposes it is an exquisite piece of literature. It just is not my sad story anymore.
Through the years I have hurt all of you. Well all of you that are known to me that is. This is after all a public blog. I have hurt you and I believe that all our grievances have been resolved. I like to think that I did not mean it. In more than one instance, that is simply not true. We hurt people on purpose, on accident, on Sunday-Saturday. We hurt cause we are hurt or we are afraid of being hurt. We hurt the ones we love far deeper than the ones we like and I need everyone to own that. I need everyone to say I have been the cause of someone's pain. I will be the cause of someone's pain. Now for those of you who are super deep, you are not speaking negatively about your future. You are acknowledging a truth. Whether intentionally or not, you & I will hurt someone we love. We will have a starring role in their drama. When the day comes remember, in the middle of the night I made you own it.
Adayinthelife:-)
If you are reading this, someone will hurt you. It may be your best friend, your boyfriend, your father or your mom. Someone that you love will hold your trust in their hands and toss it aside. Someone that you love will forget to say I love you in words, thoughts, and deeds. Someone that you love will make you cry. I have in 37 glorious years been wounded by every single person that I love, but my readers will not reflect on the hurt they at one point or the other caused. They will just read and wonder outwardly what someone else has done. That is lazy. Here is a more productive exercise.
I cheated on the boy who many only know from a date rape story that I wrote in my senior English class. Oh he was guilty of violating me, but I cheated. I cheated and though it was after his act, no one says he didn't deserve that. They only stare at me and wonder how I forgave him. I forgave him because he asked and I was supposed to. He did not forgive me. You see I never asked. I never owned that I cheated. I just projected my hurt feelings for him and the world to pity. Ironically, I loathe the story now. It happened and for storytelling purposes it is an exquisite piece of literature. It just is not my sad story anymore.
Through the years I have hurt all of you. Well all of you that are known to me that is. This is after all a public blog. I have hurt you and I believe that all our grievances have been resolved. I like to think that I did not mean it. In more than one instance, that is simply not true. We hurt people on purpose, on accident, on Sunday-Saturday. We hurt cause we are hurt or we are afraid of being hurt. We hurt the ones we love far deeper than the ones we like and I need everyone to own that. I need everyone to say I have been the cause of someone's pain. I will be the cause of someone's pain. Now for those of you who are super deep, you are not speaking negatively about your future. You are acknowledging a truth. Whether intentionally or not, you & I will hurt someone we love. We will have a starring role in their drama. When the day comes remember, in the middle of the night I made you own it.
Adayinthelife:-)
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Mercy
I know at some point everyone has played the game mercy. I used to play all the time with my siblings and my cousins. I actually used to be very good at it. There was something exciting about winning. Now, I am excited by the prospect of losing. Actually it isn't losing when you give up. And I officially give up. I am not stronger than my opponent. I cannot hold on any longer. I cannot fight the good fight. I cannot do what Jesus would do because I am not Him. The only thing I can do is scream MERCY!!!!!! And hope that somebody hears.
Adayinthelife
I'm So Excited
I'm so excited. I just can't hide it. It's my birthday and I like it. :-) I am feeling so thankful to be in the land of the living. I had a great night out last night and I am looking forward to what today brings. I am reflective as always and still a little sad by my real life Pretty Woman saga, but what I have learned is God made me strong on the outside for a reason. I specify outside because the inside of me is fragile. It is rolling around like jello even now. It's ok though cause I have my family, my friends... I have people that love me... that helps so much especially on days like this. Until next time
Adayinthelife:-)
Friday, March 1, 2013
When Vivian met Stuckey
When last I wrote, I was in search of thigh high boots to reclaim my sense of normal. Imagine me literally walking around my apartment in thigh high boots and pajamas. No, not the sexy kind. The kind that have little birds and hearts chirping all over the pants. I am walking around trying to find my balance needing to know how long its going to take Richard Gere to swoop in and knock Stuckey's head off. I offer apologies to my readers who are not versed in all things Pretty Woman. But I need to work something out in my own mind and this is how I've chosen to do it.
I've chosen to walk around in thigh high boots while wondering if I will ever really remember what it was like before I had to deal with this new normal. I've chosen to say I am Vivian and you my dear chameleon are Stuckey. You are Stuckey. Stuckey who appeared loyal and trustworthy. Stuckey who appeared to be Edward's friend. Stuckey who looked at Vivian and saw everything except who she was. She wasn't a corporate spy, a socialite trying to land a rich husband, or a fancy smancy Pharmaceutical rep. She was just a girl from a small town who liked short dresses and thigh high boots. Until you changed what it meant to wear them and she didn't.
Adayinthelife
Pretty Woman
I don't particularly like comparing myself to a hooker, but I did it twice yesterday and with excellent reason. I have always told people Pretty Woman is my all time favorite movie. Many look at me puzzled and smile. Very few ask the proverbial question. Why? I have many ways that I could answer that question. I will start with because.
I love it because it always gave me hope. I would watch it once, twice, a few times even three times a day. I wanted to pinpoint the moment that Vivian was more than just a hooker and Richard Gere was more than just a john. You see Julia Roberts was Vivian. Richard Gere...well he was Richard Gere. LOL!But I digress. I wanted to highlight in my mind the moment that a hooker became my sense of reality. To some that may be sad, but Rahab and Gomer were prostitutes and they are in the bible.
I love Pretty Woman because Richard Gere fell in love with a prostitute. He dressed her up and made her look like someone who was acceptable, but at the end of the day he fell for a thigh high boot wearing prostitute. So where are we going with this Brooks is no doubt what you're thinking.
Well I remember this one time I fell in love with a dope boy. Or the time I fell in love with an alcoholic. Then there was the time I fell in love with a chameleon. I gave my heart to the dope boy because he allowed me to be just who I was all while encouraging me to be more than just where we grew up at. I gave my life to the alcoholic because I wanted to save him. I wanted to show him he was so much more than what he was reduced to while drunk. In both of these instances, I was comfortable. I knew what the various outcomes could be. I knew how to be street when it was called for and sweet when it wasn't. I knew how to be and I knew what to expect. I had the hope of someone who knew Richard Gere fell in love with a hooker. As I type, I am looking for my thigh high boots and too short skirt cause when I'm wearing my own clothes I am prepared.
Adayinthelife:-)
Saturday, February 16, 2013
What Are You Going To Do With Your One & Only Life?
This morning has been the kind where God spent so much time talking to me through the t.v. No, I wasn't watching Joel Osteen or Joyce Meyer or any other religious program for that matter. It started at midnight when I woke up and started watching Stomp the Yard. I don't really care for the movie, but Columbus Short isn't bad on the eyes. The movie made me think of UCF and what it was like when I became an AKA. It reminded me that being in a sorority meant something to me once. Then, I watcthed HGTV, parts of The Pursuit of Happyness, and last but not least Won't Back Down. By the close of the last movie, I was convinced that I was missing out on some things.
I went to UCF and boldly declared a major in creative writing because writing made me feel alive. I had so many thoughts in my head. Love stories and songs, mysteries, autobiographical novels. I was going to take the world by storm like Zora Neale Hurston or Maya Angelou. I had such huge dreams. But, I graduated with no job and no money. I felt like an utter and complete failure. I wanted to be a writer so bad that I forgot I already was. I forgot the way it felt just to put the words together. I forgot that writing was what was in me whether I got paid to do it or not.
I became a teacher on purpose. I needed a job, I had experience with kids, and I wanted the summer off. I became a teacher so that people would stop asking me what I was supposed to do with a degree in English. No one from my neighborhood was a writer. No one understood what it meant to just want to do what you loved. My dad worked. My mom worked. I dreamed. But, I needed a job.
The first day of my life as a teacher was life changing. I did not fall in love with teaching. I fell in love with Amanda, Mary, and Donnita. My first group of girls helped to ease the transition. I loved them so I taught them about poetry. I shared my love for words with them and in many ways I was pacified. But, I didn't love teaching. I went to work year after year hoping that I would love the process the way I loved the kids. It didn't happen until last year when I decided to go back to school. My last weeks at GMS were bittersweet. I wanted to leave, but after I told my kids, my mind went back to the first day. The day when I thought being a teacher killed my dream of being a writer. I loved the kids and not the job because the job took something from me. Only, it hadn't. Being a teacher gave me 7 years of love, laughter, a few headaches, a patch of grey hair, and in those last days tears. I abandoned my dream because I needed a job. It wasn't my mom's fault, my dad's, or my kids. It was a choice that I made. A choice that I am so glad can be undone. I started writing this because I realized I was meant to teach. I thought that I would write on that epiphany, but right smack in the middle of it was another aha. I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a cook. I am a baker. I am a minister. I am a counselor. A year from now LSU will add to that I am a social worker (although my last principal informed me that I was a social worker the minute I started teaching). Not one of these exists without the influence of the other and finally I am alright with that. So I say to you, do not abandon your dream whatever it might be. You can be more than one "I am" all at once.
Adayinthelife:-)
I went to UCF and boldly declared a major in creative writing because writing made me feel alive. I had so many thoughts in my head. Love stories and songs, mysteries, autobiographical novels. I was going to take the world by storm like Zora Neale Hurston or Maya Angelou. I had such huge dreams. But, I graduated with no job and no money. I felt like an utter and complete failure. I wanted to be a writer so bad that I forgot I already was. I forgot the way it felt just to put the words together. I forgot that writing was what was in me whether I got paid to do it or not.
I became a teacher on purpose. I needed a job, I had experience with kids, and I wanted the summer off. I became a teacher so that people would stop asking me what I was supposed to do with a degree in English. No one from my neighborhood was a writer. No one understood what it meant to just want to do what you loved. My dad worked. My mom worked. I dreamed. But, I needed a job.
The first day of my life as a teacher was life changing. I did not fall in love with teaching. I fell in love with Amanda, Mary, and Donnita. My first group of girls helped to ease the transition. I loved them so I taught them about poetry. I shared my love for words with them and in many ways I was pacified. But, I didn't love teaching. I went to work year after year hoping that I would love the process the way I loved the kids. It didn't happen until last year when I decided to go back to school. My last weeks at GMS were bittersweet. I wanted to leave, but after I told my kids, my mind went back to the first day. The day when I thought being a teacher killed my dream of being a writer. I loved the kids and not the job because the job took something from me. Only, it hadn't. Being a teacher gave me 7 years of love, laughter, a few headaches, a patch of grey hair, and in those last days tears. I abandoned my dream because I needed a job. It wasn't my mom's fault, my dad's, or my kids. It was a choice that I made. A choice that I am so glad can be undone. I started writing this because I realized I was meant to teach. I thought that I would write on that epiphany, but right smack in the middle of it was another aha. I am a writer. I am a teacher. I am a cook. I am a baker. I am a minister. I am a counselor. A year from now LSU will add to that I am a social worker (although my last principal informed me that I was a social worker the minute I started teaching). Not one of these exists without the influence of the other and finally I am alright with that. So I say to you, do not abandon your dream whatever it might be. You can be more than one "I am" all at once.
Adayinthelife:-)
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Life Is A Fairytale
I know the title might throw you off; however, the truth of the matter is, the life of a Christian is indeed a fairytale. A fairytale is a story in which improbable events lead to a happy ending. Take for example the story of Cinderella who is a young girl who loses her parents and finds herself at the mercy of an evil stepmother and 2 stepsisters. Her days were spent cleaning for and taking abuse from the ones who she thought would love and support her. Eventually, Cinderella gets her improbable ending when she marries the prince also known as the man of her dreams. She knew of him, but they didn't have a relationship.The weapons that were being used against her were her family, her own self doubt, and her lack of available resources. When I point out the things that were against her, it is easier to see how she is just like any one of us.
But, when I thought of life is a fairytale I thought of Joseph. The weapons against him included being taken from his parents, sold into slavery by his siblings, and placed in situation after situation that looked like the end would be defeat. His story had a happy ending as well because of a relationship with the one who orchestrated his dreams. I thought too of Moses leading the children of Israel. They were taken from their homeland, put into slavery, and ultimately cornered by Pharoah and his army on one side and the red sea on the other. Oh, but for their knight in shining armour who spoke through Moses in
Exodus 14:13-14 KJV
Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord , which he will shew to you to day: for the Egyptians whom ye have seen to day, ye shall see them again no more for ever. The Lord shall fight for you, and ye shall hold your peace.
Each of my examples from Disney to the bible have one thing in common, the fairytale ending hinged on a relationship. Looking for your fairytale ending? Work on your relationship.
Adayinthelife:-)
Monday, February 11, 2013
Is It Worth Fighting For?
Twelve years ago I met a boy while I was an undergraduate at UCF. In these past 12 years, he and I both have shared so many things. Today as I'm thinking over 12 years of late night talks that turned into early mornings, weekends spent hanging out, encouraging each other when life got rough, and standing by each other when no one else understood... I see our life. I've lived so many important moments with him. I still remember the joy I had when he settled on an engagement ring. Then the empty way I felt when I wasn't there on his wedding day. I can remember the way he said "it's going to be ok" when the doctor made me feel like it just wasn't. I remember my last birthday when no one came except him because I changed our party weekend into one that revolved around church. It meant the world to me and I imagine it meant the world to Cheyenne who he carried around the mall for hours. Then there is what is before us now. Three years and 4 days have passed since we were face to face even though we spent the bulk of that time in the same place. I can't help but wonder is our friendship worth fighting for?
Is it worth the silent treatment or the unspoken resentment? Because it is resentment. A simpler way to say it is fear or insecurity. I like those words, but it passed that point a long time ago. You see fear is often situational and insecurity while often irrational, can be overcome. Resentment is a feeling of indignant displeasure. I am fairly certain that's what we have here. Resentment that is so deeply seeded that nothing or no one except God Almighty can change it. Which brings me back to is it worth fighting for? In a word, no. It's the fight or the perception of fighting that has me at the point of throwing my hands up. I don't want to fight anymore.
I want to laugh and have it be for real. I want to tell him that I'm finally ready, really ready to be committed. I've tried to say it to others, but they don't understand. Not really. I want to tell him, but telling him will mean that I'm still in the fight. Sigh.... I wasted some time a few days ago on this. It was wasted time because I spoke to someone about it who doesn't understand that I will not abandon him. It was wasted time because no matter how tired of fighting I am, I will fight for him. I will fight for him because right now even as I am writing this, I know he won't stop fighting for me.
Adayinthelife:-)
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Nobody's Supposed To Be Here
"How did you get here? Nobody's supposed to be here. I've tried this love thing for the last time."
For a few days now, those words have popped up in my head off and on. I don't know about anybody else, but that used to be my song. I hear Deborah Cox singing her little heart out with me trying in vain to mimic her. It was something to see and hear me doing Deborah. In the days when the song first came out, I loved it because it captured all of the heartache that I had stored down on the inside. I can recall the feelings yet not specifically the names of the ones who appeared to have broken in and claimed my heart when in all actuality broken was the only thing that would linger.
This time it's playing in my head, but it is not to signal an intruder. This time I hear it and it is just a song. It is just a remembrance. Wait a minute. That's true and untrue all at once.... I smile when I hear it so it has no pull or association with heartache. Nobody's supposed to be here isn't a whimsical thought or a plea either. Nobody is supposed to be here is an aha. It is a statement almost like "Beware of the dog". Those signs are placed on fences and in yards to let you know that if you step beyond that point the guard dog is going to attack. If you step beyond that point, you might get bitten, knocked down, or chewed to pieces. The bottom line is you will not get in.
I can tell you that my fear of dogs is always heightened when I see those signs. My heart beats a little faster and I am certain that the guard of the house will in fact keep me out. I am so certain that I usually turn around and head in the other direction. I respect the keeper of the house. I respect that the guard's loyalty and love is such that I do not stand a chance. How did you get here? I imagine it looked like the door was opened. However, my suggestion is for you to read the warning sign. Nobody's supposed to be here.
Adayinthelife :-)
Friday, February 8, 2013
What Is Your Objective?
What Is Your Objective?
Take a moment and ask yourself, what is my objective? Why am I up on this phone at 5 in the morning? Why do I call in for the ministry calls on Sunday & Wednesday nights? Am I calling in because I want to serve or am I calling in to be served? Is my work with this ministry, or another ministry, or my job unto man or unto God? The bible says in
Colossians 3:23-24 KJV
And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men; Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
So again I say ask yourself, what is my objective? Am I growing in the knowledge of Christ for myself or do I hunger after the word so that I might serve it to the masses? When I sit at the table is it after I have been of service or is it only to be in position to fill my plate? The question again is what is your objective? The bible says in
Matthew 20:26-28 NIV
Not so with you. Instead, whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must be your slave— just as the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many.”
If Jesus, Almighty God in the flesh, came to serve, should service not be the objective of all who call on Him? Should service not be the objective of all who profess His name? Should service not be the objective of every man, woman, boy, and girl who says "I am a Christian"? For, to be a Christian is to be Christ like. Jesus's life is the blueprint of what it means to serve. So, what is your objective?
I hope you ate well.
C. Brooks for Sunday Morning Breakfast~2/7/13
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Monday, February 4, 2013
Today Is The Big Day!!!!!
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Didn't We All Have An Egg Baby?
I found myself thinking about Xavier & Shoniqua. What ever became of the twins that had semi ghetto names and an entire backstory to match. Xavier in his blue basket was perhaps the cutest baby that I'd ever seen. Well, until I met his cutie pie sister Shoniqua. Not one person in the 9th grade had anything on my twin egg babies. LOL!
It's midnight and all I can think of is egg babies. Imagine me sighing there because I did. It was a sad sigh with just a hint of nostalgia and the tiredness that only 20 years can explain. I of course won't pretend to be able to explain away 20 years. I can barely put into words the last 20 minutes. I'm just thinking of the thoughts I had as a freshman. I wanted to be refined, but in those days I was more than just a little rough around the edges. There was a fire in me then. I was tiny, but I felt I had to speak louder, think louder, be louder. I usually succeeded and then I'd end my days with a sigh. The same sigh that ushered in the thoughts of egg babies past.
Adayinthelife
Friday, January 18, 2013
Delayed But Not Denied
Delayed But Not Denied 1/18/13
When I stop and think about the number of times I've said "delayed but not denied", I understand why some things in my life have been a constant source of frustration. You see delayed but not denied really means that I'm lacking something that I should already have. If I subscribe to this thought, I can't help but have a constantly complaining spirit. I can't helped but lament about what isn't this way or that. It is the spirit of one who is not waiting on God, but one who is angry that God is keeping something from them. This is a dangerous mindset to be in. This mindset is one of entitlement and not thanks. We must remember in all things that God's timing is perfect and He alone determines when the "perfect time" is.
Adayinthelife:-)
Friday, January 11, 2013
Obedience Requires Sacrifice
Obedience Requires Sacrifice
1/10/13
Obedience is greater than sacrifice, but what happens when obedience requires a sacrifice? I wasn't going to write anything this week just because I figured no one really reads it and they won't miss what they don't acknowledge anyway. But, I wouldn't let myself cry during tonight's episode of Grey's and now a set of misplaced tears are pushing me to write. 6 months ago I moved away from all that I knew at the word of the Lord. Admittedly, I had moving on my mind, but I wouldn't have done it without God's direction. You see my move entailed a whole lot of sacrifice. My move meant I would have to leave my family, my friends, my church, and my job. My move meant I would have to trust that God knew what He was doing. My move meant I would have to give up my familiar.
Typically, you will find that people will follow God if it is convenient. If God says change your shirt, you will. If He says go work at a different school, you reply no problem. I've been looking for a change. If He says give $1 in the unity offering, you jump up quickly with it. If God says fellowship with my people, you sit through 1 or 2 services a month. But when what God says requires too much time, effort, or money it will not be done. God is reasonable right?
You find yourself conducting a conversation with your more enlightened self. He couldn't possibly want you to step outside of your comfort zone. He couldn't possibly want you to be away from your family & friends. He couldn't possibly want you to give up being served by the ministry and serve others. It takes too much time. It takes too much money and remember you no longer have a job. God couldn't possibly want my time, effort, and certainly not my money. God wants me to be happy so He won't stretch me beyond my own expectations. He won't try to impede on my plans. Right? Wrong. Being obedient to God's plan is more important than anything. This is especially true when being obedient requires you to sacrifice. I say put yourself in Jesus's shoes. His obedience meant He had to die. Was His life not the ultimate sacrifice? I hope you ate well. Adayinthelife :-)
Obedience is greater than sacrifice, but what happens when obedience requires a sacrifice? I wasn't going to write anything this week just because I figured no one really reads it and they won't miss what they don't acknowledge anyway. But, I wouldn't let myself cry during tonight's episode of Grey's and now a set of misplaced tears are pushing me to write. 6 months ago I moved away from all that I knew at the word of the Lord. Admittedly, I had moving on my mind, but I wouldn't have done it without God's direction. You see my move entailed a whole lot of sacrifice. My move meant I would have to leave my family, my friends, my church, and my job. My move meant I would have to trust that God knew what He was doing. My move meant I would have to give up my familiar.
Typically, you will find that people will follow God if it is convenient. If God says change your shirt, you will. If He says go work at a different school, you reply no problem. I've been looking for a change. If He says give $1 in the unity offering, you jump up quickly with it. If God says fellowship with my people, you sit through 1 or 2 services a month. But when what God says requires too much time, effort, or money it will not be done. God is reasonable right?
You find yourself conducting a conversation with your more enlightened self. He couldn't possibly want you to step outside of your comfort zone. He couldn't possibly want you to be away from your family & friends. He couldn't possibly want you to give up being served by the ministry and serve others. It takes too much time. It takes too much money and remember you no longer have a job. God couldn't possibly want my time, effort, and certainly not my money. God wants me to be happy so He won't stretch me beyond my own expectations. He won't try to impede on my plans. Right? Wrong. Being obedient to God's plan is more important than anything. This is especially true when being obedient requires you to sacrifice. I say put yourself in Jesus's shoes. His obedience meant He had to die. Was His life not the ultimate sacrifice? I hope you ate well. Adayinthelife :-)
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