So I have the lonely new girl blues and I want to go on a date! Truthfully, I've been wanting to go on a date for a while so I guess those are unrelated issues. I don't quite know what to do. I don't even know what to say. There are so many variables that are causing me to be the lonely girl. I don't know anyone here is leading the pack. My coworkers are nice people, but right now I feel alone in a room. It reminds me of the essay that I wrote with that title. If you've never read it, I'll send it to you. It's not something that I want to post here. This is too public of a forum.
Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Friday, August 7, 2009
If You Obey Him, You Will Be Blessed
The cat is officially out of the bag. I'm moving to Tallahassee. I wanted to do my best to bring everyone up to speed. I will admit to being afraid to tell a couple of you I was leaving. This is part of the reason for the public forum. Well, here we go.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.
A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.
In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.
Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.
On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Public Service Announcement
Tomorrow I have an interview in Atlanta. I know that some of you will pray or have been praying for quite some time. Here's a little helpful piece of advice. Please don't pray that I get the job. Please don't pray using if then scenarios either. What I've been praying and what I'd like you to pray is that God opens the door that is for me and keeps all others closed. I am praying this prayer because I want what God wants. I don't want to make anymore choices that I have to do over. Yes, we all make mistakes in life. I just don't want this to be one of them.
The drive here today was very difficult. Driving to Atlanta stopped being fun for me a while ago. It is becoming downright dreadful. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I sang songs and I wondered if coming here was going to help me get my butt in place. I wondered how he would find me. Some of you will know what that means and some won't.... I'm ok with that.
I have some pretty strong feelings about where and why. I feel like it's all a part of God's plan. I just want to be sure. I just want to finally go through a trial without the error. So please, I beg of you pray that God opens His doors. This trial doesn't have room for any other prayers
The drive here today was very difficult. Driving to Atlanta stopped being fun for me a while ago. It is becoming downright dreadful. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I sang songs and I wondered if coming here was going to help me get my butt in place. I wondered how he would find me. Some of you will know what that means and some won't.... I'm ok with that.
I have some pretty strong feelings about where and why. I feel like it's all a part of God's plan. I just want to be sure. I just want to finally go through a trial without the error. So please, I beg of you pray that God opens His doors. This trial doesn't have room for any other prayers
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Are You About Done Yet?
So, I'm sitting at work bored out of my mind trying to play games on facebook. It occurs to me that I really don't want to be at work. I really don't want to be on facebook. All I really want is a nap. The problem is it's already seven and if I close my eyes for even 10 minutes I will be up all night. I will be up thinking about the very things that rack my brain all day. The main one is, are you about done yet?
Are you about done acting like a butthead? Are you about done pretending that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? Are you about done going through day after day like a mindless zombie? Really are you about done with that?
These questions are on my mind so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Today I added are you really going to drive to ATL tomorrow? I guess that's the only one that comes with the simple answer of yes. I'm so tired right now. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My eyes are tired of staring at this computer screen. Yet that doesn't answer the overarching question. Are you about done yet? Really would like to know so that I can stop the fog of the past few days at 3.
Are you about done acting like a butthead? Are you about done pretending that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? Are you about done going through day after day like a mindless zombie? Really are you about done with that?
These questions are on my mind so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Today I added are you really going to drive to ATL tomorrow? I guess that's the only one that comes with the simple answer of yes. I'm so tired right now. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My eyes are tired of staring at this computer screen. Yet that doesn't answer the overarching question. Are you about done yet? Really would like to know so that I can stop the fog of the past few days at 3.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
The Future
The future that awaits me seems so far away. The dreams fulfilled are still in the dreaming stage. The plans I'm making are like the yeast rolls my grandma used to make. They are covered while I'm waiting for them to rise. I see it. I see it so clearly. I see my life, my loves, my family. I see it all in front of me. Yet it is like a movie scene and I am watching it, waiting for the lead actress to start looking like what I see in the mirror. Will she fall ill? Will she feel like she just needs a night off? Will the director just wave his hand and give me my part? I'm the understudy, but the part is mine. Always has been and I know that I will shine in the future, but what am I to do right now?
Sunday, July 12, 2009
Yesterday
Yesterday was nerve racking. Yesterday was great. Yesterday was yesterday. No matter what happens I won't ever feel the anxiety that I felt while searching for a poem. I won't feel the disappointment of not feeling like I had anything that said the right things. I won't feel the release of being able to put into words what my Saturday was like. I felt so absolutely free the moment the last word left me and now just one day later I'm feeling different. It's like they were only words. They held so much power, but today is all I have. Yesterday doesn't belong to me anymore.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
I Used To Love Her
I used to love her, but now I don't. I thought that I had so much more to say than I do right now. I guess it's because I'm wondering what I could say that wouldn't come across the wrong way. In reality, I used to love her is a little bit too strong of a statement. It is also only part of a bigger thought. I used to love her, but then I asked myself why. Why do you love her? What is it about her? Is it her smile? Is it the way her eyes have a spark in them when she laughs. Is it her calm/quiet demeanor?
I don't think it's any of those things. I loved her because you did. I loved her because you saw the promise in her. You saw her smile, her sparkle, her kindness....You fell in love with her. You were the catalyst for my good thoughts and my bad. You were the reason I used to love her. Now, you're the reason I do not.
I don't think it's any of those things. I loved her because you did. I loved her because you saw the promise in her. You saw her smile, her sparkle, her kindness....You fell in love with her. You were the catalyst for my good thoughts and my bad. You were the reason I used to love her. Now, you're the reason I do not.
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