In The Heat of the Moment

You should never make a decision in the heat of the moment. Last night, I did just that. I should have taken a moment to vent or laugh or cry or whatever. Instead I wrote something that I regret. I didn't realize that writing it was out of fear. I'm so afraid to be hurt. I'm so afraid to be loved that I'd rather waste time pondering over a closed situation. I decided to delete the post last night. This morning I decided to honestly try. I decided to try to forget about those who didn't this or didn't that. I decided to focus on what is before me.

I realized last night that I don't truly even know what that is. I look at him and I see question marks. I see potential. I see failure. I see myself saddling him with too much because of what was before. My triumphs and my failures crowd my mind and I feel just so tired of even being aware of it all. He's so sweet to me and I want to give him a chance, but I don't even know how.

In the beginning

In the beginning of a relationship there are so many moments that happen. There are so many things racing by that we often forget to just stop and look and reflect. I'm feeling reflective because I think I'm at the beginning and I don't want any of the things to pass by and fade into nothingness.

I want to remember the very first time he said "you are absolutely beautiful". I felt completely exposed almost like I was naked. I had a frown on my face courtesy of my sixth period class and all I wanted was to go to home and go to bed. But he saw me as beautiful. I remember looking into his eyes and feeling every one of his words. He puzzled me. He intrigued me. When he smiled, I wanted it to go with me. I wanted to take it to my house and fill all the empty space. I wanted to wear it as my shield everyday when my kids started to drive me nuts. The problem was I didn't even know his name. I just knew that he thought I was beautiful just as I was.

After that, I found reasons to run into him. He always had a smile and a kind word. I looked forward to seeing him and if he wasn't there I was sad. I was sad because there was something about him that just made me want to know more. Then, I remembered. I'd already had a funeral for shy and there was really no more room for her.

I was like a bumbling idiot the day I decided to talk to him. I couldn't remember anything that I'd rehearsed. All I wanted was for him to call me, but I just stood there stuck in a moment. Even then, he made me feel like everything was going to be ok. I got lost in the sound of his voice coaxing me to talk to him.(I really love the sound of his voice.) I couldn't say a word, but I was so happy with myself because I tried.

Thankfully, he called me. Since then there have been so many moments in such a small amount of time. He looks at me like I'm the only person in the world. He smiles and I am so at ease. He's thoughtful in a way that is new and exciting for me. I am happy. I am hopeful. I am relishing the beginning.

Letting Go of the Hurt

Yesterday I had to call up my ex for advice. I had to call him because he knows me. He knows my heart and he knows how easy it is for me to be hurt. I don't think he knew how hard it was to call him for advice. I don't think he knew how hard it was for me to admit that he was the only one who knew what was really going on on the inside. He was the only one who knew how hard it was for me to stay with him and how devastated I was to walk away. He understood that what is before me is not a cut and dry decision. It is another blow to something that has been dying for a long time.

I am supposed to be this little beacon of hope. I'm supposed to be writing this post so that someone somewhere can walk away with something positive. It's hard to do when the person writing just keeps feeling like she has to walk away and this time there's just nothing positive about it.

I Want to Live the Life I Talk About

Recently I've been telling people I want to live the life I talk about. It seemed like the easiest way to explain the changes that have been taking place in my life. I only realized this morning that it has only served one purpose. I do want to live a life for God. I want to grow and learn and share the goodness of God. I never thought that everything else would have to be sacrificed, but lately it feels like I can't have anything that I want. I don't understand why every step forward is met with a dose of rejection or disappointment or just something negative to make me wonder what is this all for? I didn't expect to feel unhappy. I didn't expect to feel like I had way more fun before. I didn't expect to feel anything but happy all the time.

For the past two days I've been wondering if my life has changed so much, how come it still matters what people think? How can a new person do things differently and still get the same result? I am utterly baffled by this. Everyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I'm different so what gives? Why am I still stuck with the same stupid results? AAAAAAAAAAAh! I am in desperate need of a break through.

P.S. Please don't read this as anything except a bit of frustration. I know that regardless of how I feel God has my best interest in mind. I just need something great to happen.

Anticipation

4 A.M. greeted me like an old friend this morning. Surprisingly, I responded with a smile. When I went to bed last night, I was a little disappointed because I was waiting for something that didn't happen. I was a complete ball of nervous energy and it was all for naught because he didn't call. I smiled about it this morning because I know that he will. There will be a nerve wracking conversation where I try really hard to remember to just breathe and at the end of it all we'll decide if there should be another conversation and then another still. I don't pretend to know what the conversations will be like. I'm just happy because of the way anticipating them makes me feel.

Fresh

I wanted to write last night, but by the time I reached my home I was wondering how I would be able to sleep with so much on my mind. For two days in a row there was mess in my life where there is generally serenity. I have a new mind this morning. I have a new thought and it is simply if it ain't broke why fix it?

I've had so much time to examine my life and examine my motives. I am focused on being a better christian. I simply can't be bothered with anything that is going to compromise that. People have been saying to branch out and meet new people. I happen to love the friends I have. I happen to love the fact that I have friendships that have outlasted the lastest wave of gossip. I happen to love being able to look back over my life and say I've grown up with these people. And that is just the thing, I've GROWN. I have zero tolerance for a lot of stuff that other people simply haven't outgrown. Should I have to regress because they are not where I am? I think not.

I have more to say, but it is on a different topic so I will address that later today. I promise, it's much more upbeat than this. :)

It's Alright With Me

This morning is weird for me. I'm out of town and I opted not to push myself to make it home for church. I opted to just kind of see where the day takes me. It is odd not being in service because I love church. I love the music, the fellowship, the word. On this Sunday, I am in a different space and while I could have gone here, I knew it wouldn't quite be the same.

Last night I realized just how much is at stake and just how much I'm in a place of peace about all of it. I never felt like my life was hanging in the balance. I never felt like one decision would be enough to completely change the course of it all. I feel like that now, but instead of panic or despair I have peace.

Peace is honestly not what I wanted. I wanted to feel a sense of urgency. I wanted to feel like it all rested with me. I wanted to feel like I had control. It's hard to imagine not having those things and still feeling like I'm ok. Somehow I am and there are moments of sadness. There are moments where I just want to scream. There are moments when I'm completely overwhelmed and I cry and wonder. I have learned to appreciate those moments. Those moments help me just as much as being at peace does. In those moments, I am vulnerable. In those moments, I am hopeful. In those moments, I appreciate just how much we've already made it through.