No Matter What, It's Not Enough

Hi. My name is Candy. I like to save people. I like to help people. I like to change people's perspectives. I am a giver. I listen when I don't want to. Offer advice when none is solicited. I am both bitter and sweet. I love unconditionally. I am a hopeless romantic. I am saved. I am tired.



I am writing in this way because people need to realize that sometimes your kindness is not enough. Your understanding is not enough. Your help is not enough. Lending your ear is not enough. Your love is not enough. Who you are doesn't matter if the person you're reaching out to does not want to receive you. It is a hard lesson, but I wish that more people understood it.



Yesterday I found out that two of my friends are in crisis. One is reaching out. The other is hell bent on retreating. It is difficult to admit that the closed door affects me more than the open one. Friends are supposed to hold each other up. Friends are supposed to be ride or die. Friends are not supposed to push you away when they are hurting, but they do all the time. Usually, I would cry and try to figure out what more I could do to help. How can I make myself a better friend or confidant. I don't have to do that this time because I know that I am not the problem. Unfortunately, I am also not the solution.



We all like to think of ourselves as the solution to somebody's problem. Some of us like to fix things for people. Others like to counsel them to death. Some can't help but analyze everyone else's mess. I like to love. I love my friends so much and this time that love is the very thing that is forcing the door closed.



I can't love someone out of a bad relationship. I can't love someone so much that they forgive themselves for past wrongs. I can't love someone so much that they forget being violated. I L-O-V-E myself, and I still remember what it was like June 12, 1993.......



I have written about being raped, but I rarely talk about it. I wrote about it because it was all so surreal to me. I didn't know what date rape was and I didn't care to know when I was told that it happened to me. How does someone decide to label your nightmare date rape? I never understood that. I never understood why the powers that be would want to have a woman forever associate being raped with being on a date, but no one asked me my thoughts on the matter and I digress.



I wish there was something that I could do to take away the sting of rejection that they are experiencing, but I can't. I told one of the friends last week that only God has the power to deliver. I told my friend that because I saw yesterday coming. I saw myself being pushed away. I saw myself being relegated to the other side of the wall that was being erected. I saw it and no matter what I said, no matter how many times I listened, and encouraged; the outcome had to be the same. People ultimately must turn to Jesus.

Negro Spirituals

I was thinking today, when did my life turn into a negro spiritual? When exactly did all the songs in my head go from upbeat and uplifting to sorrowful and pleading? I love negro spirituals, but I'm tired of the shift in my life.



Today I had to deal with one more thing in the wonderful saga that began on Sunday. I thought it would be a lot harder, but I was just so resigned like it is what it is. I'm tired of trying to fix anything because none of it is working right. Let me take a commercial break for those of you who need this: I'm alive. I have my health. I have people who love me, food, clothes, yada yada.



Now on the real side of it, things really suck for me right now. I'm not ungrateful for the things I have. I'm just sick and tired of having to deal with the fallout from "I'm not recommending you for reappointment". I almost sent my old principal my own form of hate mail today. I decided not to because even though I'm royally pissed off, I know it's not his fault. I know that ultimately all of this is a part of God's plan. The problem is I can't see past the way things are falling apart on a daily freaking basis. I often wonder whose life is this anyway? This is not what I hoped, planned, or prayed for. Yet, here I am sitting here wondering when things will turn around. Hoping that I'm already at the bottom so that there's no place to go but up.



I can't stand feeling like this and to top it all off next week is Christmas. I really wish I could get into the holiday spirit, but I just can't. A part of that has to do with what's going on too. We are celebrating the single most important birth in history and all I can think about is why does this man want me to be the mother of his child? Sure, I want to be a mom. His timing is just downright awful. Right now I'm like a basket case just trying to figure out how to make it through all of the hours in a day. Who knows how that is going to play out. I'm not even sure how I feel about it. His thoughts are ever changing and mine are just......I DON'T KNOW!



People have kids all the time without thought, planning, or purpose. I always wanted to have a husband and then a baby. Most of the time I still do. I still want to walk down the aisle and have Mese standing next to me and Pnut cracking jokes (about the show) in the front row. I still want my dad to give me away....though lately all I've been getting from him are headaches. What is the man doing dating that child????????? I digress. I guess it never occurred to me that someone would love me in a way that was finite and infinite all at once. I know that it will be hard to work this out....partially because I'm a christian and partially because our relationship is so complicated without even needing to be. I love him. He loves me. In a perfect world, that would be enough. In the world of negro spirituals, nothing could be that easy.

The Value Behind Understanding a Misunderstanding

Today was the worst day EVER. Now that I've gotten that out of the way. I don't want to talk about it because those who answered, know. Those who didn't, won't.




What I learned from today was there is great value in accepting an apology. There is great value in listening to the other side of the story. I decided 3 years ago that I didn't like the way my life was. I didn't like the pointlessness. I wanted a change and so much has changed, but then today I learned that I still have a hard time making peace when I am wounded. On the inside I felt like I have to be on the defensive. I have to make sure they know I am not going to back down. But before I could say a word out came an apology. It didn't change the scope of the worst day ever, but it made me remember that it's easier to forgive than resent and really that whole thing was not why I was mad anyway. I was dealing with trying to piece together what has been falling apart and I almost let a misunderstanding turn into something it didn't need to be......



I don't really like what I just wrote at all, but I'll let it stand because it was on my mind. I'll end with a poem that I just shared with my gf. It makes me laugh a little because it came from such a good place. After the day I've had I can use a happy ending.


Deep inside I thought our time mattered
Deep inside I thought our days spent
laying around
listening to the beginning of us
would impact you differently
Deep inside I thought
the hands held
secrets told
embraces shared
would change things....expand us
I thought you meant it when you told me
you wanted me
Didn't know it would all end with you
Deep inside

It's Alright, But It's Not OK

You know when you find out something and initially it's not a big deal and then when you sit with it a while it takes over your thoughts and you just find yourself unable to do anything except sit and stare and wonder and write run on sentences on your blog because really all of it is coming without thought or form or periods its just a massive glob of words bouncing around in your head like a ping pong ball and no matter what you do no matter how many games of tetris you play or how many people you start to email and then stop the only thing that you keep hearing in your head is she is pregnant and you want to say hey who cares but the best you can do is it's alright, but it's not ok

What it feels like just being a girl...

I know it's been almost a month since I devoted anytime to my lovely blog. It's not that I didn't have anything to say. I have had moments where I could have, maybe even should have said something. The truth is I just didn't feel like it. I didn't feel like saying anything about how I finally realized what goes through the minds of people who "go postal". I didn't want to say anything about getting myself all dressed up for another interview that didn't yield a positive result. I certainly did not want to talk about how for 2 nights in a row I just laid in the bed thinking about a male friend of mine. Trust me the thoughts were PG, but I just kept thinking for crying out loud woman go to sleep! To make matters worse, these thoughts hit the road with me and totally took over my mini vacation.

I DID want to talk about how sick I am of certain people acting like they know what goes on in my mind....really you don't so SHUT UP already. SOOOO for almost a month I didn't say anything. I didn't write about how I finally went to the right wedding. Didn't talk about why I just had to go to ATL.....it really wasn't about what anyone was thinking. Didn't talk about how hard it is to write under scrutiny when all you want to do is say what you want to say without all the bull....

Right now I think that I'm in such a weird place. I am aware of myself and my surroundings in a way that I never have been. I look at myself and I see a hot chick. I don't care who has something to say about that because for years I didn't see anything good at all. I didn't have an appreciation for the way my eyes light up when I know that I look good. I didn't realize how much I liked my own smile. It is weird because I find myself constantly having to defend why I take so many pictures or why I always say this or that about myself. I never knew that people could be so judgemental when all I want to do is celebrate being who I am.

I'm ok with being vulnerable. I'm ok with feeling like I want someone to be there with me. I'm ok with laughing and crying with my girlfriends. I'm ok with being single.....now really I'm so over it, but it's different. I haven't looked for anyone to fill that void. I haven't picked someone just so I can say I'm with whoever. I'm doing it by myself and it is hard every single day. I'm ok because despite that I haven't compromised. I'm at just so in touch with everything that makes me a girl. I'm loving my hair, my hips, my thighs, my scatter brained thoughts....all of it. I am who I am and finally all of it is alright with me.

UNBELIEVABLE

Step into my nightmare. I woke up this morning at 6:50. I called to check my account to make sure that my trusty unemployment check was there. It wasn't. I waited impatiently until 7:30 when their office opened to figure out why not. At exactly 7:30 I called, and still had to wait 12 minutes to speak to someone. Here's where the real nightmare starts. The sweet woman on the other end tells me that my benefits have been suspended because I've been working since August 25, 2008 and not reporting my income. The problem with this scenario is IT IS NOT TRUE!!!!! Now I calmly try to explain this to her. She can not be persuaded. I am already in tears because last night I wrote a check to the church in absolute good faith. This morning the check is worthless because Susy on the other end of the phone says I should have been reporting my income.

Now the real problem is I actually work for the company in question. Only I didn't start working for them in August. I started in October. It is a tutoring company and I work 5 hours a week. I have been reporting this, but alas she still could not be persuaded. I ask her why on earth I wasn't notified that my benefits were being suspended. She told me I was notified. A letter was mailed to my house today. TODAY? TODAY? TODAY? Mail from there office always takes at least 5 days to reach me. This is truly unbelievable. Oh, and as soon as I hung up and tried to call the church to alert them Verizon Wireless interrupted me to tell me my service was disconnected for nonpayment. Have a great day.

Here we go again.....

Obama is the next president! Thank you Jesus. :0
I have officially watched all of the free episodes of 90210! The world as we know it has ended :(

Seriously though, I was cautiously optimistic cuz of the whole election 2000 thing. I'm happy now though. Probably not as emotional as some. I haven't cried or screamed or anything. I actually spent the entire night watching 90210. It's not that I'm not invested. I am. This whole thing has been a long time coming. This is a day when so many of our men, black men, can see something else when they look in the mirror. Obama won and gave them the type of hope that can't be bought or encouraged. Obama won and changed the playing field for all of the little black boys whose highest aspirations were the NFL and the NBA. Obama's win will change so many things for us all as Americans, but I have to say that my heart is the most happy for the change that one man's win will mean for all of our boys.

Your Life Is Important

I was talking to one of my BFF's the other day and he said he didn't know which of his friends was saved. He also indicated that a large number of them went to church. The conversation sparked something in me at the time, but I wasn't quite sure what it was that I wanted to say until today.

Many people find attending church important. The reasons are as varied as the number of denominations that exist. I personally find it important because I think it is an honor to the Father. I remember when I stopped going to church. It wasn't a conscious decision. I didn't sit down and plot out a strategy. It began because I felt very angry with God for taking my grandmother. The situation worsened when I moved with my father. He didn't attend and didn't force the issue on me. I went every now and then in high school, but when I went to college I gave up church all together. For 3 years I did not set foot in a church for anything except my grandmother's funeral.

Then, it happened. I started realizing that things were not as they should be. Thursday night live was no longer all that live. Drinking games with my roommates no longer fascinated me. My life was full of people and things, but I was lacking. The life that I was living was not important.

I wrote yesterday about finding my church home and it is just that my home. What I failed to say then is that having a church home isn't what changed my life. Having a church home would have been about as important as mindless drinking games had I not realized Jesus was missing from my life. Many have a home and believe me I know the importance of that. However, without Jesus you don't have a life.

Any Given Sunday

It seems that I am on some kind of once a week rotation with this now. Today was a regular roller coaster. I was happy and then my team lost and I was sad. I started watching 90210 reruns and I was revived. I realized I only have 3 left out of 94 and devastation set in. What is the use of free episodes if they are only going to give me a third of the series?

Tomorrow is a big day for me. Three years ago my sister invited me to Family and Friends day at her church. I thought, what the hell I'll go. I'd been so unhappy for a long time. I was searching for something then. I wanted to get married, but it didn't feel right. I wanted a sense of belonging, but no matter where I turned I just kept feeling empty and unsatisfied. I went to Family and Friends day expecting nothing. Well, that's not exactly true. I expected to be there all day. I'd visited my sister's church as a kid. The only thing I remembered was falling asleep, waking up, and wondering why on earth we were still there.

When I got to church that day, I was so happy that my sister invited me. I was so happy to stand up and announce that I was her guest. I was so happy because I knew then that I'd found a large part of what I was looking for. I found the place where God wanted to reconnect with me.

I was smiling again. I was happy, hopeful, and optimistic. I was looking forward to my life again. So many things have happened since that day. I can't explain how profoundly my life has changed. My outlook is different. My expectations have changed. I think about where I would be if I'd said no or if she hadn't asked. I am certain that God would have found another way to guide me home. Nevertheless, I thank Him for giving me a sister who thought enough to ask.

90210

So I'm over hating my favorite show. I've graduated to dreaming about it. Last night I had the most vivid dream about my graduation. I kept remembering my good friend Steve Sanders being everywhere I went. Well, I don't know anybody named Steve Sanders personally and I can assure you that the graduation that I was dreaming about took place at West Beverly High and not at Manatee High. I think that I was having an anger issue that day. All I know is my love affair with 90210 is back. Oh and I'm feeling 100% again health wise :)

Things aren't always what they seem

So I'm sitting here watching 90210 reruns feeling like I hate this show. I hate this episode. I hate the fact that they were so bad to each other sometimes and I remember I loved this show because at the time this is exactly how things were in my life. Friends dating around in a circle, backstabbing, hurting each other all over boys. Right now I feel so disconnected. Not just because I'm seeing my favorite show with adult eyes, but because so many things just aren't what they seem.

On Thursday I received a letter in the mail that is about to change the very fabric of one of my friendships. I don't even want to address it because I have so many questions.....so much disappointment. I'm a wreck about it and I don't even want to talk to the person because I thought things were on the up and up with us, but it's not and it may never be. I think it's because I trust people too much. I trust things to be just as people say they are. I never want to admit that things just aren't what they seem.

All day today I've had to deal with the fall out from me getting sick in church. I wish I didn't see it as fall out, but people sat there and watched me with their own eyes and didn't get the story straight. Don't get me wrong, everyone wants to feel like someone cares about them. I just......what happened to me was real, but even it wasn't what it seemed to other people.

I don't know I guess I'm just really disillusioned right now. It's almost like when you're little and you find out that your dad is Santa Claus and mom is the Easter bunny. You love them for the gestures, but you're sad because you realize something that you believed in is lost and it will never be the same.

Defining Marriage by Michae Allen

In Mark 10: 6-9, Jesus said, But from the beginning of the creation God made them male and female. For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and cleave to his wife; and they twain shall be one flesh: so then they are no more twain, but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.

We live in a world where people feel that they should be able to do what pleases them and makes them comfortable. Doesn't that make perfect sense? If I am not bothering you, why should what I do matter? The truth of the matter is, God has laid a pattern for existence. Anything out of spec from how He intended disappoints him severely.

If you are a Christian, your only reference/manual/point of view is biblical. In the above scripture, Jesus did not say homosexuality was wrong. What he did was tell us what is right. If I tell you to eat the vanilla ice cream, I don't have to tell you not to eat the chocolate or the strawberry; what not to do is inherent in what to do.

The immutability of God's holiness far outweighs the intensity of our desires or opinions. God's viewpoint explicitly tells us that marriage is between a man and a woman.

Scattered Brained

I can't pretend like it doesn't matter anymore. Today I woke up and spent 2 hours making a list of all of the jobs that I've applied to since June. It wasn't a big deal really. I had to do it for an unemployment review. It's just as I was doing it I felt so overwhelmed by the redundancy of my life. So I went for a walk. I started at my elementary school, walked past the church I would belong to had I said my I do's, and ended up at the bridge where I spent so many good days walking with my grandma.

I started out slowly remembering how easy it was when there was only a two lane road and my grandma and I would walk to Bradenton. Retracing my steps was helpful and hurtful. My grandma always knew how to make me feel better. I was her favorite girl. I miss not having her see who I've become, but then I wonder what she would think. What would she think about her granddaughter the hopeless romantic who always seems to be.......well, you know.

Anyhow, the fanatic in me who is gaining weight wanted to walk the actual bridge. The chicken in me kept hearing my doctor say no inclines, no lifting, have a baby. I used to love the sound of my doctor's voice. Her sweet Indian accent. Now, every time I think about her I am sad. She's the one who keeps reminding me that there needs to be something more to my life than spending hours on end looking for a job and reliving my childhood.

My daily dose of 90210 reruns, combined with the sappiness of One Tree Hill, and my own memories have me wondering how long I'm going to have to write about being the single girl. I realize that many people envy my position. They just don't understand it. It is a marvelous situation most of the time, but I'm over it. I need someone to talk to that is not in cyberspace, another state, or a pointless relationship with the rebound girl. Then again, Alex married the rebound girl so maybe rebound relationships aren't pointless after all. I digress.

I don't even know what the point is. The point of this posting is I mean. I started over an hour ago and in between stopping to watch Raising the Bar and reconnecting with Will & Grace, I've lost what I wanted to say.

Just when I thought...

Just when I thought my day wouldn't take another turn, it did. I've been in such an old school, throwback mood for the past two days. It started when I went to update my myspace music list. I couldn't think of anything that I wanted to hear playing on my profile except Bobby Brown. I know some of you might think I'm nuts, but I used to L-O-V-E Bobby Brown. I still remember when my dad bought the Bobby Brown concert video. I used to watch that video every single day. Then my dad took me to the Bobby Brown concert for my birthday. Those were the days when Bobby and daddy could do no wrong.

So for two days it's been lots of Bobby Brown and 90210. I don't know whose idea it was to put free episodes of the original show on the net, but I love that person with all of my heart. I've watched about 10 shows in 2 days. It's comforting because it helps me remember a time when I thought my world was just over. I was such an angst ridden teenager. One minute I thought everything was great and by the end of the 60 seconds I hated myself, my surroundings, my everything. It is so good to remember that. Sometimes it's hard for me to appreciate where I am right now. I'm not that skinny little girl anymore who pigged out with her friends then stayed up for hours exercising. I'm not the girl who feels like she has to hang with the popular girls(even if she can't stand some of them) to fit in. I am certainly not the girl who felt like she was nothing without a boyfriend....preferably a fine one :0.

I don't know when I stopped being that girl. I don't know when just being cool inside of this dark chocolate skin was enough. I'm glad that I knew her. I'm glad that I remember her because just when I thought things really couldn't get any worse....I remembered that they already had and I turned out just fine.

Nothing Matters

Today I had one of the best days in a long time. My friend Marcie came to town. I was so happy to see her because I'd missed her tremendously. I think I missed her quirky sense of humor and her ability to always help me to see the other side of something. I felt encouraged while talking to her. I felt like I wasn't in this alone. Like there was someone who was really in sync with me.

The thing is now I'm feeling the weight of all of the words that I hold on to. The fear that I couldn't express to her. The doubt that I've been holding all to myself. She told me that she was worried about me for a while. I guess that is understandable, but then not. No one knows how many words are stuck on the tip of my tongue. No one knows how many things I haven't been able to say. This blog was supposed to be so helpful. It isn't really. It is just like everything else....only a small piece of what is happening............only the fragment of truth that I can let go of as I sit at my computer.

I am listening to Beyonce as I type this. It's funny to me that she is singing about being Dangerously in Love. It's funny because for the first time ever my personal life has the smallest part in this whole thing. It is totally nonexistent and I'm ok with that because the alternative would be just like everything else. A big lie that I'm trying to keep just on the right side of the truth. I want so many things right now, but I can't write my way out of this very moment. I can't string together a poem, a story, or a song. I just keep failing to say enough to make an impact on the one person who matters. ME

The Will

Tonight was wonderful Wednesday at the Westcoast Center. I love bible study because I always learn something new. It's one thing to read the bible all by yourself, but togetherness helps. On a side note I think I have the best study bible EVER. It's called Quest. The publisher is Zondervan.

On to my point here.........I was talking with a friend the other night. We always have these talks about life, our purpose, etc. Well, he wants to become a firefighter and......I really don't want to write about any of that. I really don't want to write right now. I'll see if I can't sum it up. Have you sought the will of God for your life or are you in "God is my co-pilot mode?"

One Down

So today I decided that I had to do something win or lose. When I woke up I was having the craziest dream and it made me feel like your life is going to be just like your nightmares if you don't step up. The first order of business was to get out of the house. I decided to go to the church to volunteer for a few hours. This probably was the hardest part of my day. The decision part of it that is. I think there is fundamentally something wrong with free labor.

Anyhow, I ended up proctoring tests for two students. It was a bit mundane, but the principal seemed to be sincerely pleased that he wouldn't have the task anymore. The look on his face was enough to make it worth my while. I spent about 4 hours doing this and then I was presented with an opportunity to really see if I was ready to go into battle.

I'm not going to give it a lot of lip service because I'm selfish and I'm still truly on cloud nine. I am proud of myself though. I was able to do something that had been weighing me down for months. I was still afraid. I was still unsure of myself and utterly dreading the outcome. The thing is stepping out was the hardest part. When it was over I felt completely free like I didn't have a care in the world. And I am still basking in that feeling. I have no idea if the ultimate outcome will be what is considered favorable. I just know that this is one battle I've already won.

Throwing in the towel

I've been pondering a decision I made a while ago. When I made it, I was unsure of myself and unsure of the desired outcome. Now I feel like it's time to fight for what's mine. It's time to stand up and say " I made a mistake. I shouldn't have done that. I didn't not intend to just roll over and die." The problem is I only recently realized I never fight for anything. I've had people stand up for me my whole life. I always throw in the towel.

I was blessed with a fearless mom, psychotic brothers, and a stern dad. My mom never let anybody say anything against me. If I felt I had suffered some injustice, she or my dad fixed it. My brother's insured that I never had to feel threatened by anyone. So all these years I thought I was the one who would stand up to anybody. I actually never had to. Sure, I fought a girl in high school and intimidated my share of idiots who liked my boyfriends, but....

Right now I'm faced with the fight of my life. I'm already losing just because I don't know how to begin. I don't know how to set the stakes. I don't know how to insure a win. I just know that it feels like my life, the one that was promised to me is slipping away. I don't want my future to be stifled by my ignorance, my inability to ride into battle and win. I want my life back. Now, if only I could figure out how to fight.

Reconciliation

In the past week I have thought alot about reconciliation. I know that a part of it is due to my being able to find so many of my classmates on facebook (I love the internet). A part of it is because I am wanting to address a feeling that has been plaguing me. I feel so disconnected from my friends, my family, my life. It's almost like I am existing outside of myself. I am in a happy place, yet I don't really feel like I'm there.

A prime example is how I feel about revival. We have been in revival at my church for the past couple of weeks. I've gone to just about all of the nightly meetings. I've listened, learned, and been inspired. But I can't put any of it into words. I used to be able to write little inspirational notes to others based on the things I'd learned. I used to be able to call a friend and talk about how good I felt just being there. I haven't been able to do that and I don't know why. I notice that I feel agitated about the freezing temperature in the sanctuary, the lack of singing, the time, whatever. Things that used to be of little consequence to me are so big all of a sudden. Last week I even missed an entire service because I was standing outside talking... The conversation was meaningful and touching and necessary even though it was initially unwelcome. It's just I never stood outside during an ENTIRE service. I never let something else so distract me.

It made me feel like I really want to be reconciled to the things I love. I want to hang out with my cousin. I want to pick fights with my brother about who's getting fatter (though at the moment I might want to let that one be). I want to have my friend Marcie come over with humus or some other contraption that I would never consent to eating. I want to actually see my dad. I want to feel like I'm helping to win souls. I want to go shopping. I want to go to the mountains. I want there to be a freaking FSU game on tv already! I want to have my car detailed....yes, that is something I love to do. I want to be able to write something besides this blog

My first substitute job

I have my first substitute job today! Break out the excitement. I get to go spend the day at my old middle school. It probably would be a tad bit more exciting if I were just waking up instead of being just about to leave. It's 5 minutes away, but thanks to the great car situation with my sister, I'll be there 40 minutes before I need to be.....ain't life grand.

Being offensive vs. People being offended by you

Being offensive vs. People being offended by you By Michae Allen (It was so good, I asked permission to post it)

I read something today about praying in public and the core idea was not offending others. Basically, it was saying that Christ should shine through in your life but pushing Him into people's faces could make Him unattractive to them.

I read the article and it really bothered me. I turned to my wife and said, "this is where it starts." I was talking about the gospel of inclusion, this new age concept of a god that is palatable to everyone.

In Luke 12:51 - 53, Jesus said, "Suppose ye that I am come to give peace on earth? I tell you, Nay; but rather division: For from henceforth there shall be five in one house divided, three against two, and two against three. The father shall be divided against the son, and the son against the father; the mother against the daughter, and the daughter against the mother; the mother in law against her daughter in law, and the daughter in law against her mother in law." It's funny that we never hear about this Jesus. All we ever hear these days is "God is love" and when a Christian says something that makes people uncomfortable, they're either crazy or narrow minded.

There is a huge difference between actively offending people and people being offended by you. Normally in grammar, we are taught not to use the passive voice, but as Christians, our passive voice is quite powerful and people will be plenty offended without us actively doing so. If I say, "yes, the bible says that Jesus is the way the truth and the life and no one comes to the Father except through Him" there are those that will be offended. Nevertheless, the bible says it, so it's true. If I say, "you're gay, so you're going to hell" that is highly offensive and carries no evangelistic weight. Furthermore, I don't have to love anyone or have any good intentions to make that statement.Can you see the difference?

The gospel is the good news of Jesus Christ. Oftentimes, we tell folks the bad news that they really already know; that saves no one. Sure, when we share the good news, people will hear what they want to hear and be offended, but that should not deter us from doing our duty as people of God. Understand that our sinful nature hates God and wants nothing to do with Him. Our handling the gospel with "kid gloves" does not make it easier to swallow. That is not even our concern. No, we don't fling God's word at folks, but we are not ashamed of it either. Point people to the cross and let the Word speak for itself.
Choose Jesus Christ

You Can't Beat God Giving

A few days ago a friend of mine called to check on me. We talked about my health issues and my difficulty finding a job. We prayed on the spot. He told me that he wanted to think about some things and he would get back to me. I knew that something would happen because he is the same person that prayed for me to be healed a couple years ago. (Thank God for 2 years of no pain or complication)
I saw him and his wife at church tonight. She asked me if I still needed money to pay for fingerprinting so that I could substitute teach. I told her I did. She told me they'd discussed it and decided to give me the money. She and I walked to their car after church in search of the missing husband. He was already there writing me the check. As he was handing it to me, another gentleman walked up and placed a check in his hand. The check he received covered the check that he'd written and then some. I was speechless. We were all so happy and excited. This just goes to show, you can't beat God giving.

What next?

It's been a really long day/night and I don't know whether I want to write this blog anymore. Last night when I posted Stumbling I was so on edge. I'd received a bunch of calls/texts about this drama and the next. I was taken off guard by all of it. I wanted to write how I was feeling. I wanted to express how much was going on inside of me. The fear that I had for what was happening. The sense of dread about what may be to come.

I decided not to write about it out of respect for those people involved. I decided to hold on to what I was feeling in hopes that when I woke up it would all be a big misunderstanding. I kept feeling like I had to say something. I had to give up at least a small part of what I was feeling. I decided to look through my poetry. The first poem that I found was too much about love. The second lacked the sense of urgency that I was feeling. Stumbling was a perfect choice. It appealed to the possibility of love while acknowledging a profound loss. I remember how I felt when I wrote it. I remember how I felt when I shared it with the person who it was written for. I knew that he would approve of me sharing it......not as a way to rehash anything, but as a way to say I'm torn about what is happening with my friends right now.

Almost as soon as the posting went up, I received the offensive message that follows:

"What in the FUCK is wrong with YOU. You are displaying a lot of psychotic characteristics. Please go get some help."

I won't say who sent it. It really doesn't matter. I tried to explain what the motivation was (via email). I received 2 more offensive responses. I was angry when I read them. I was angry because I didn't deserve that. I was angry because it made me start thinking about what I'm doing here. I didn't start a blog to dish about anyone's life except my own. But it seems that my decision to not name names creates so much pettiness. Believe it or not, I didn't just start writing poetry. I thought this would be helpful for me, but maybe I was kidding myself. Maybe I will just throw in the towel. A blog is not worth the way the emails made me feel as I read them or how I feel still.

Stumbling

Stumbling

I am starting to think that it’s over.
The us has become two.
The we that existed, will never be.
All that is left is a me and a you.

I am starting to think that it happened a while ago.
Your kisses left my mouth, retreating to my cheeks.
Silence filled our bedroom.
Eclipsing the sound of us between the sheets.

I am starting to think that you knew.
Each day I ceased to supply the airwaves
with a call, helped ease your desire
to speak to me at all.

I am starting to think that I wanted this.
Your kisses did not retreat.
They met the closest thing offered.
Our conversations ceased to be
because dead silence muddled your words
making me realize that we could not be
where I no longer was.


*************I bet you think this poem is about you, don't you don't you? Well, unless you were in my life in 2001 it's NOT!***************

The Beginning of the End

Last night I had the most pointless conversation with one of my former friends. I'd sent out a text letting some people know that we were having revival at our church. The end of the text said you don't want to miss this. Now, this individual thought it would be cute to respond "how do you know". I didn't think anything of it at first. I honestly didn't even know what the response was to. It was sent several hours later. I called him after church just for a point of clarity. He decides that it would be a good time to start the whole "just because you go to church...." conversation. I didn't want to have this conversation with him. We'd already had it countless times. He doesn't feel like going to church is important. He doesn't share my enthusiasm about God. He doesn't feel like I should only text him about church (for the record I text him about other things). You get the picture.

I ended up yelling at him and hanging up my phone. It was so frustrating to me because truly the beginning of the end started years ago. Years before I renewed my commitment to God. Years before my last two relationships. Years before I moved to Orlando for school. The beginning of the end was January 29, 1995. On that day our friendship changed in a way that could never be repaired. I recognized it then, but he wouldn't or maybe he couldn't accept the fact that our friend's murder changed our friendship. It was not a boyfriend, me going off to school, or God. It was murder. For years I felt sad about not feeling like I could be close to him. For years I tried different ways to repair something that was lost. Last night I decided to stop all of that. I can't change what happened and 13 years hasn't changed the way I feel. I just wish that we could at least agree on what was the beginning of the end.

Good friends

It's good to have good friends. The kind that let you have both your moment to vent (I HATE COPS with nothing to do) and your moment to reflect. The kind that will talk to you until 6 in the morning because you feel like everything is just a little bit too chaotic in your life right now. The kind that will reassure you and help validate your hopes and dreams. The kind that know when you're hurting even when you pretend that you're not.... The kind that know what to say to keep you from hitting a stupid girl in the head with your shoe (even though she really was asking for it)..... The kind that make you feel like you can move past this spot with your ex. The kind that will support you even if you don't.
Last night could have been a disaster, but God blessed me with good friends. My night was a range of things. Many wouldn't have entertained any of it, but when you have good friends........ I don't do shout outs (especially on my blog), but if I did I'd say thanks to my BFF's Mese and Eric. This morning is a little more peaceful thanks to you. Now that it's after 6 and I have finally cleared my mind of all homicidal thoughts......................I'm going to bed. Good morning!

A throwback

I wanted to feel disappointed so I did what I usually do when happiness seems too good to be true. I picked up the phone and called him....my arch nemesis, my soul mate, my friend. He who is the very beginning and end of my aggravation. If he would have stuck to the plan, I would have been satisfied.

After the third ring, I felt safe that I would be thoroughly disappointed. Then it happened. He answered. Disappointment sailed out the window. I didn't know what to say. Of course I wanted to talk to him, but since when have my wants run the show?

I managed "hello". Then I sat there afraid to be happy and too shocked to let disappointment resurface and rule the day. In the span of 10 seconds I realized that I missed him.....really missed him. Missed him the way you miss soul food when you are a slave to Jenny Craig. Missed him so much that my chest hurt, eyes watered, and I cried.

Cried because I remembered all of our arguments. Cried because of all the times we spent together laughing. Cried even more over the months that had kept us apart. Cried so much I forgot he was even there.

After a few minutes, he said my name and it calmed me. I felt like we were heading for a happy place. Felt like nothing would come between us ever again. And with that thought I started crying again. It was such a blessing to be in touch with an old friend.

Sunday

I really love Sundays. Some view it as the start of the week, a time to relax, a time to see family. Sundays for me are all about church, Army Wives, and Law & Order:SVU reruns. When I wake up on Sunday morning I am energized, excited, filled with anticipation. Today was different. I was moody, tired, and I didn't want to get out of bed. I didn't sleep well last night. It started with a phone call. It ended with me staying up until 3 watching TV and trying to figure out what the phone call meant. I didn't know then and I don't know now......

I'm tired of not being able to understand what people's intentions are. I'm tired of people saying one thing to me and quickly doing the exact opposite. I'm tired of feeling like I have to second guess my friends. What happened to say what you mean and mean what you say?

Who knew?

Who knew that it was so hard for your best friends to know what's going on in your life. Tonight I'm talking to one of my favorites and he says something that makes me wonder what planet he's living on. Well, he said a couple of things. The first being that I'm totally hot on my blog pic :) The second was that I used to be really into my ex. I thought that was funny. Who said I was not still into my ex? True I don't really talk about him.... actually I don't really even talk to him. But, who said I was not still into him? I guess I missed that memo. Or maybe I wanted other people to miss it.

The thing is it's hard for me to put into words what I feel about him. Some days it's really clear to me. On others I wonder how did we get here? How did everything go from our first lunch date at Applebee's to the random conversations about siblings who never should have been a factor. I think about how it would have been if I hadn't turned around that day. If I had decided to go home instead of having lunch with him. I'd already eaten and I wasn't hungry at all....but I never could turn down food..... The truth is a little more complicated than that. I was looking for something then. I was trying to figure out what really worked for me. He was a part of what I found and a part of what I lost.

Ode to a bonehead

I am a bonehead. I don't mind admitting it. I went to Barnes & Noble and lost my purse. I had just put my niece in the car when I realized I'd lost it. I went back in the store and looked everywhere. I asked the clerks. I searched the faces of all of the people. I walked out defeated. I went back to the car to get my friend's cell phone. I went in again, looked around, searched the faces for suspicious or evasive action. Again I left the store defeated. I walk to the car and my friend says I hear something, but it's not ringing and I don't see your purse. I open the door and there is my purse. Sitting right next to the car seat where I left it. I am a bonehead.

I was both thankful and embarrassed. It almost ruined a perfect day. Almost made me feel like I never should have gone. I'm happy that things turned out the way they did.

When is enough enough?

I'm feeling a little overwhelmed right now. I don't think I know when enough is enough. When is it ok to just say no I don't want to do this or no I don't want to do that? Today I had a few things come up. A few possibilities to do or not do something. Everytime I said no I felt bad. I felt like I was letting the ball drop somehow. I had every right to say I can't babysit, I can't do that for you, I can't give you any money, I can't pick you up. I don't know why I felt bad each time. I don't know why I always feel responsible for everybody and everything. I don't know why I can't figure out when enough is enough.

When You Love Somebody

When you love somebody you behave in the strangest ways. You let him talk to you about his stupid ex-girlfriends, you let him question you about what's going on in your life, you let him talk you half to freaking death until you miss Will & Grace. You let him do these things because you miss him and you enjoy the moments listening to the earnestness in his voice.....

I wonder why every time we talk it's about other people. The people that make up pieces of our lives as they are today. I don't want to go back to the way things were. There was a lot wrong between us then. We couldn't communicate. I felt like I couldn't make him happy. He was a nervous ball of energy that was driving me NUTS!!! What I want is something different for the way that we are now. We have been apart for some time. It was my call, but boy has he taken moving on to the next level. He has an ever changing carousel of women. I look at him and he seems happy. He seems to have found whatever it was that wasn't there before. I am happy for him and then I am not.

I try so hard to be philosophical about the whole thing. If he's happy, I'm happy for him. Truth be told that's a load of crap. I appreciate his happiness for what it brings him, but it is hurtful to me. I mean really, who actually wants to see the person they love with someone else? I'm sure I won't get anyone signing up for that club. I am a mess of emotions that I'm sure would come out easier if only I'd had my fix of Karen and Jack (let's face it they are way funnier than Will and Grace). I am without them and food so guess what, GOODNIGHT!

Wonderful Wednesday

It's Wonderful Wednesday and I am tired. I have the most interesting dreams. Only problem is I rarely share them because they are kinda creepy when you think about it. I've been up for the last two hours trying to find a copy of my lease. Yet another one of my creditors is in denial about my current financial state. They want a copy of every bill, a check stub, a copy of the lease, an arm, a leg, a small child if I can produce one. It is all quite a bit ridiculous, but what can you do? I never imagined the school year would start without me having a job.

During my lovely search I found a calendar from 2003. Yes, I am sort of a pack rat, but I'm sure there will be more on that later. I flipped through it to figure out why I kept it. I was a little weirded out when I realized that five years ago today I went on my first date with my ex-fiance. Five years went by so incredibly fast. I didn't know on that day that he'd become my fiance. I didn't know that it would end up being such a delicious little melodrama. All I knew was that a free meal and a night away from my baby cousin was on my horizon. It's funny how things turn out.

Well, I'm off to the post office to mail my latest plea for relief off. Have a wonderful Wednesday!

1st Day of Work

Today is the first day back to work for teachers. I'm awake after only three hours of sleep. I thought I would wake up, file my unemployment for the week, and go to sleep for at least a couple more hours. That's what I thought until the unemployment system would not accept my claim. It seems that the system is down and of course that means the phone number is eternally busy. I feel like I could murder someone or at least commit a petty crime.

The great news is being awake allowed me to call one of my favorite creditors. I have been trying to convince them that I am indeed unemployed for the past two months. The sweet little establishment otherwise known as Best Buy thought I just liked not paying the bill....Let's face it, I want to skip a bill just like the next guy, but I never had. Not with my favorite go to store. Best Buy has gotten me through birthdays, graduations, random Tuesdays. Anyhow, after finally convincing them that I am in fact one of the jobless Americans, I was granted approval for my unemployment claim. It's the best news I've had in a little while.

I don't know what else the first day of work holds for me, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Oh and am I the only one that is soooooo over the Olympics already! I'm thinking can we just move on already. And go Aaron Rodgers! You suck. So happy the Packers lost. That was a little mean, but hey I LOVE BRETT FAVRE :0

Day One

Wow! I can't believe it is almost 3 A.M. On the one hand, I'm never asleep at this hour. On the other hand, I probably should be. It all started with me watching Will & Grace reruns. I've become a slave to that show. I'm sitting here thinking how to send two dreaded emails....one to my current BFF and the other to my former BFF. Both of the emails are rather depressing because I can't be there for either of them.

I decided to do something productive and actually start my blog. I've been meaning to do this all summer. I've been meaning to work on my poetry. I've been meaning to work on my book. I've been meaning to...oh, you get the point. I've been pretty lazy all summer. All of that is behind me now just like the summer. I can't get back a moment I spent sleeping, watching reruns, or surfing the net. I'm not sure that I would actually want to. I'd been on overdrive with work for such a long time.

I can't wait to get in the swing of things with this. I can't promise you that I'll always have some deep or profound insight. I can promise you that it will always be me.