I Finally Understand What He Meant

A couple of months ago my pastor told me to let it go. That's not all he said, but in the interest of time we'll stick with that. I thought I knew what he meant. I decided it was completely about this one thing that I had been obsessing about. This week I realized it was about that, but it was so much more than that. I had to let go of something that I hadn't even realized I was holding on to. I let go and this week has been so incredible. The best thing to come out of all of it is the bevy of handsome men. I feel just like a kid again. It's great. I wish I would've realized this a long time ago, but I guess I must accept that everything happens at just the right time.

Underneath It All

I had a very hard day today. I woke up expecting... well to be honest I don't know what I was expecting. I didn't anticipate the tears then and I wish that they would go away now because it does not make typing any easier. I am not in a sad mood right now. I think I can't stop crying because I held on to it for so long. I've been holding on to my feelings for him. I've been holding on, but today I let go. I let go because while we sat there eating and talking as friends there was a sadness for me. A sadness that I didn't want to feel anymore. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being honest. I couldn't bear another minute of us not being on the same page. So I cried. I cried right there in the restaurant. I was so embarassed that I walked away. But it didn't matter because when we left I couldn't stop the inevitable. I couldn't stop the tears that had been sitting there underneath the surface for the past 6 months. The tears helped me free myself. The tears helped me face myself. The tears helped me tell him that it wasn't about what anyone said. It's just how I feel. How I've probably always felt. How I would have known I felt had I stopped to look underneath all of the crap that was taking up space in my life.

Soul Winning

Tonight I had to do a lesson on soul winning at a function for the college students at my church. It was nerve racking because I'm shy and I didn't say half of what I wrote, but here it is for the world to see.

Soul winning

It is often said that the purpose of the church is soul winning. Most Christians will say that, but how many know what it truly means to win a soul?

Coming to Christ requires you to do more than say, “Lord, I believe.” Coming to Christ is about a life change. In order to win souls you yourself must first be changed so that you will effect change in others.

Think about when a person is out of work. We seek jobs. We visit businesses. We go to job fairs. We network and spend hours on online jobsites. We devote ourselves to our job search because we have been conditioned to believe that we can not live without a job.

We have to approach winning souls for the kingdom in the same way. We must seek out new people with the same fervor that we seek jobs. We must visit businesses in search of new souls. We must go to job fairs. We must network. We’re already spending half our lives online, but we must change our purpose for being there. We have been conditioned to believe that our lives depend on having or not having a job. Well, the life of the sinner depends on each of us.

Soul winning has at its core two main components: witnessing and teaching.

Witnessing is first and foremost because if we don’t tell them of God’s goodness, they won’t know. In order to be an effective witness you have to have a sincere desire to convey the goodness of God. You have to want what God has brought to your life for someone else.

If God took you out of the club, want that for them.

If God helped you walk away from alcohol and drugs, want that for them.

No matter what it is that God has delivered you from or blessed you with, you have to want that for someone else. The desire to see someone else’s life change as yours has is what fuels witnessing and witnessing is the 1^st step in soul winning.

Romans 10:14 says 

How then shall they call on him in whom they have not believed? and how shall they believe in him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?

Each of us has a duty to witness and be the bearer of good news.

The 2^nd component is teaching. Now what happens when you’ve gone out and witnessed to someone? The tell you they are saved and you rejoice because now you’ve “won” a soul. So your responsibility is done right? You’ve told them the goodness of the Lord. They’ve heard and been saved and now you are off the hook. You must remember that soul winning is about winning a SOUL. A soul is not equal to the person’s attention during a 15 minute talk. A soul is not equal to giving them a ride to church on Sunday. A soul is not equal to telling them you can’t ride shotgun with them to the party, but they should have a good time. When a soul is actually won, a life is committed to God. That means you cannot rest because you talked them into reciting the Lord’s prayer. A soul requires nurturing. Witnessing to them was the seed. Ensuring that they are learning the word of God will serve as both soil and water in our example. They must grow in their knowledge of God to truly be won to the kingdom. They can not grow without teaching.

So, the next time you are wondering if you have what it takes to be a soul winner ask yourself. Do I desire others to experience what God has done for me? Am I willing to ensure that they are being taught of the Lord? If you can answer yes, you are ready to win a soul. If your answers are no or I don’t know, call the pastor immediately. Your soul has not been won.

Seriously, think about this Proverbs 11:30 says 

The fruit of the righteous is a tree of life; and he that winneth souls is wise.

Be wise in your Christian walk. The souls are waiting.

Thank you.

I like him....and him too....a shout out to Nika

I saw a friend's status message on facebook that said "I like him...and him too." I immediately laughed because I know exactly where she's coming from. I've been there a time or two and I've been with her through it a time or two in the past. No one ever told me what to do about the dueling feelings that I was having. Right now, I feel like I'm starting to like someone for all of his imperfections. It's a little bit of a weird approach I know. When I met him, it was an instant attraction. At this point those are not the things that make me laugh and smile. I'm noticing different things like the fact that he is so articulate in one moment, but he stutters in the next. He doesn't seem embarrassed about it at all and that is so empowering for me because I trip over my words when I'm nervous. I noticed something else about him today. He is a motivator and he's soft spoken. I hadn't noticed it before because I think that I was infatuated with the way he looks. He is smoking hot by the way. That is a funny statement too because the more I look at him and the more I dissect it, the smoking hot part becomes so small next to the other things.

He is not an island unto himself where my thoughts are concerned. There is another who is a sweet shelter for me. In him there are so many things to ponder....so many things I missed. Things that are now like dueling dragons in my mind's eye. I more than like him. I think of him always. Always....and then some more. It's different with him though. He makes me happy and tired all at once. He is a conundrum that I just can't give anymore time to today. This started out carefree and that's the way it shall end. I like him....and him too. What's a girl to do?

A la Carte

I have been pondering how to write this blog for quite some time now. The thought originally came about a month ago. I was angry then and decided to table it to another time. Saturday night a comment was made that let me know it was time.

I'll start by saying I have a certain fondness for a la carte meals. I love the idea of being able to pick and choose what I want to eat. In that sense there is an almost limitless variety of choices. It is favorable to many because we want what we want when we want it. The idea of picking and choosing is quite enticing. Clearly I think that a la carte has it's place.

A la carte has no place in a spiritual walk. You can't just pick and choose what you will consume. You can't go to your pastor for him to speak healing and prosperity in your life on Sunday and run to your girlfriends to speak over your personal life on Monday. You can't decide to go from person to person picking up favorable words in a la carte fashion. The pastor says, "You will be healed." You say, "I believe". The pastor says you will get a new job. You say, "I believe". The pastor says this is your year. You say, "I believe". The entire time these things are transpiring you are met with support and amens from your friends. Yet the minute it turns personal and he says "he's the one", the very same friends decide that the plate that you've been eating from needs some variety. They decide it is ok to encourage you to believe everything except what the man of God says. They begin with, did you ask this person? Did you ask that person? Oh, well if you ask me I don't believe that will work out. They go as far as to question whether your pastor is a false prophet. They do so openly and without thought of what they're saying because I usually just stare at them wondering what spirit they are of.

I can't do that anymore. I believe that if you believe your man or woman of God then that's the end of it. You believe them until YOU no longer have reason to and that reason shouldn't come via conversation with anyone except God. I'm tired of people who feel like it's ok to say any and everything to me about pastors who God has used to positively affect my life. I came to know God under pastor G.I Bradley. I came to truly love God under Bishop Henry L. Porter. And I am growing in my service to God under pastor DeWayne Harvey. These are the men that God has set forth to shepherd my life. I don't believe that either of them are without fault. I do believe that they are all men of God who speak the word of God. If you believe otherwise, do me a big favor and tell someone who cares. That would not be me.

He Loved Me When I Didn't Know How to Love Myself

Earlier today I told a friend that I believed God, but I couldn't believe that he would pick me. The reason I made that statement doesn't really matter. It was true then and it is true now. I'm sitting here thinking about my day and how nothing seemed to go as planned. I woke up, got dressed, and went to a meeting that had already taken place. I went to the wrong store to get a gift for an upcoming wedding. I found the perfect scent only to discover that it was designed for men. I sought encouragement only to be shut down. In the natural it would seem that I had a bad day.
Thank God I am not operating in the natural

A few minutes ago I realized that this morning's statement and the days events helped me to get to a place of thanks. I could easily gripe about the day, but all I can think is He loves me. He's always loved me. I remember in high school I was always searching for something. I needed to be in charge. I needed to fit in. I needed acceptance. I was so critical of myself (I still am). I couldn't see how anyone could love me because I had so many flaws. I always seemed to be getting something wrong. It was kind of like what happened today. I couldn't see the right in it all when it was happening, but I serve of God who loves me and He continues to remind me that everything I am is good enough for Him.

It's alright with Him that I missed the meeting. All week as I prepared for it, my mind was focused on Him. It was alright that I went to the wrong store. He used me to touch the new people I met in my travels. The disappointment about the fragrance..... I think I wouldn't have been so disappointed if he would have understood the reason for my excitement. This too is alright because it reminded me that I haven't been praying for us the way that I should. Each situation had the potential to begin and end badly. I thank God that I can see how it was all meant for my good.

I'm Not Hiding Anymore

A few days ago a friend told me that I have a habit of hiding behind my words. I agreed and disagreed with his assessment. So much of what I write is just for me to get it out at that moment. It becomes about hiding when I stop and think about the questions that people will ask. When I have to deal with the fall out of something that is just me having a moment about something or taking a time out, I resort to evasive writing. So I decided, after a much needed bonding session with my cousin (love you AJ), to come clean. Here's the deal. Since April 24th I've written 25 or 26 posts. All of those, with the exception of about 5, were about the same person. Now I realize that most people have no idea who that person is. Well, it's Eric. Eric is my very best friend. I don't say that to discredit any of my other friends. I say it because he's my laughter, he's my protector, he's my confidant. He's my everything that I thought I ever needed or wanted in a friend. Up until recently, I had never told him a lie. I had never kept anything from him. But I made a bad decision and decided that withholding the truth wasn't exactly a lie.

Our relationship has been strained in the past months. It has been strained by a question that has not had a conclusive answer. It has been strained because I didn't feel like he should bear the weight of what was going through my mind. So I dressed a lot of my writing in different clothes. I pretended that things that I could care less about were important.

I decided on Thursday that I didn't want to do that anymore. I didn't want to hide behind my words. I didn't want to, but even when I talked to him I still did. I talked to him, but I didn't tell him that 20 of those 25 posts was all about what's been going through my mind concerning him. I talked to him, but he still hasn't read "That Girl". I talked to him, but I hadn't stopped hiding behind it all until right now. He is my best friend. He is the beginning and end of many of life's pressing thoughts. That's about all I plan to say about this. Charles, I hope you're happy now.

When Baking Won't Work....

I turn to the only other thing that brings me relief from my thoughts. I can't take much more of the thoughts running through my mind. I wonder what it means when he asks me how I feel. I wonder what it means when he tells me how special I am. I wonder what any of it could possibly mean. I wonder, but there are never any answers. There are always more questions.

Why would he make a life altering decision just because? Why does it still even matter to me? Why am I such a horrid person for even having thoughts about him? In the morning, I think of him. He's with me all day. I take him to work. He is a part of my every conversation though he is never mentioned. I am completely taken by him. I want to know what it means. I want to know what it's all for. Is he or isn't he?

I am so overwhelmed by feelings that are older than me, stronger than me, and so confusing to me. He's the first boy I ever loved. And the girl that he knew doesn't even exist. But the one that's here right now can't do anything except think of him and wonder what happens now.

Silent Prayer

I have playing in my head the song Silent Prayer by Shanice. I want to explain in my own words, but the words of the song say everything without me having to say anything.

Silent Prayer by Shanice
Featuring Johnny Gill
(N.M. Walden and J. Cohen song writers)

I send to you my silent prayer
Before I sleep at night
I send to you my silent prayer
Baby so you'll be alright

Every morning I think of you
I just can't shake off my dreams...no, no
I read the paper and watch the news
I don't know what it means

When you do what you've got to do
You must know that I'm there with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

Chorus
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
Silent prayer
I send to you my silent prayer

I hold a picture of a golden sunset
And I'll take your hand
We're gonna walk down that promised road
Just like we planned

'Cause I know what I'm gonna do
Just as soon as I'm back with you
Every breath that I take...I hope and I pray
Sweet baby...baby be ok

A Teenage Love

So many things are running through my mind right now. I want to be asleep, but I close my eyes and I see all of us sitting under the tree. I see us walking down the railroad tracks. Going back and forth to the julip lady's house for snacks. In my mind I'm remembering the 5th Sunday congress and Boardwalk & Baseball. The trips we took to Lithia Springs are rolling through like a movie reel. Sometimes we were at our house. Sometimes we were sitting in chairs on the side of Monica's house. Wherever we were, we were all together. There was so much love then. So much love and so many memories. Playing Pac Man at the laundromat. Getting cookies from Ms. Luvinia's store. Walking to Bradenton for the parade. Buying matching outfits for the fair. I remember so many things. I wonder why these thoughts are in my mind.

I am remembering my first boyfriend....the simplicity of our first kiss. These things were all in a time where a teenage love wasn't all that complicated. You held hands. You kissed. You made plans. But mostly, you waited for something to happen. You waited to be an adult. You waited and while you were waiting you forgot to savor the moments. You assumed that growing up would be better and you would all always be together. Now, it is not so. The place you all shared and loved is only a fraction of what it once was. Houses line the field near the railroad tracks. Grandma's house is long gone. We are all scattered about living these lives that we waited for. All I want is to go to sleep, but somehow all I can do is remember and wonder why we thought that this would be so much better than it was.

An Oldie But Goodie

I was laying here watching a movie and a few things started running through my mind. One of them is it's amazing to realize you've forgiven someone. It's even more amazing to realize when you feel nothing but love. There are two people who have my heart smiling. They are both my shelter. They are both my home place. They are both my best friend. She always let me be myself. The girl who screamed or the one who cried. He's the only one who knows the dream and pushes me to reach for it. There are so many things about these two people who hold my heart in their hands. When I was thinking of them I thought about a poem I wrote 10 yrs ago. When I wrote it she was the very fiber of who I was and he was someone who was yet to come. But it fits them. It fits them. Although I wrote it for someone else, I hope that they will accept it because I truly do love them.

"Because I love you" a1999candyoriginal


I love you

Without you my life would be nothing
When I met you, you changed the very way the sun appeared,
flowers smelled, and world moved for me

Before you I was lost, wandering around with no joy
You brought the most wonderful thing to my life, love
When we are apart I keep going by the pieces of you
that I carry with me

Your smile lights up my day
especially when work situations get me down
Remembering your words of encouragement
pushes me to succeed

I love you

You are my perfect angel
You have things about you that cause others to think less of you
those are the things that elevate you in my eyes
You inspire me to love as I never have before

Angel, I love you

I can not say it enough
Each time the words escape my lips
my heart swells with adoration for you

You are everything to me angel
and my heart sings

because I love you.

Changes

I've reached my breaking point. I didn't imagine it would come to this. I didn't imagine that I would feel like the only solution was for me to walk away. But here I am preparing to do it again. I'm walking away because somehow at some point me just being who I am became too much. Me just living and loving the way I always have. I make no apology about the way I am, the way I was raised. I am who I am apologetically. If I am your friend, I will love you through the laughter and the tears. I will love you through disappointments. I will love you even when I feel like I've run out of love to give. I've reached that point today. I've reached the point where I don't feel like I can be the friend that I once was and it hurts me, but in this moment there is nothing. I feel angry. I feel hurt. I don't feel love. I feel like it is all so surreal. I don't know how we got here.

I wish there was peace. I want peace so bad. I want the times when we stayed up half the night just talking and laughing. I want hours on the phone hashing out the meaning of life, some interesting scripture, or nothing at all. I want to feel like I have my friend. But I was told that things change. Things have to be different and I should show respect for what is now. I wonder who shows respect for what was before. I wonder, but there is no room for an answer. Things do inevitably change. I guess the problem is my love stayed the same.

It Should Be A Given

If you tell me you're saved, certain things just should be a given. I shouldn't have to cringe when I ride with you because your radio is on the hip hop/ r&b station. I shouldn't have to wonder how you know every popular song. I shouldn't have to see new pictures of you at the club. I shouldn't have to convince you to stop giving the world for all of your attention. I shouldn't have to wonder why you don't stop cursing. I shouldn't have to listen to your story about how you and your bf/gf got down. I shouldn't have to because as a Christian some things should be a given.

It should be a given that you went to church last week.
It should be a given that you spent time in prayer.
It should be a given that you paid your tithe and offering.
It should be a given that you are constantly seeking spiritual growth.
It should be a given that unmarried Christians are not having sex.
It should be a given that you no longer pepper our conversations with curse words.
It should be a given, but it's not. So maybe you should ask yourself are you really saved?

The Dating Game

I've been pondering dating. Actually, I've been obsessing about dating. It's not the way that sounds. The thing is, I need to know a reason for dating. I've asked several people lately and have received some good answers. The problem is I still feel conflicted about it.

I want to go out on a date. I want to go to dinner and the park. I want to sit on the phone and talk about absolutely nothing. I want to hold hands. I want to watch football, eat wings, and absolutely berate my favorite team for their asinine play. I want to be in the company of a man who's interested in me for who I am.

The problem is all of it feels like a lie. I have broad desires, but focused hopes. I have a layout, but no blue print. I don't want to be in the company of just any man. I want to be in the company of the one. The one who is destined to be my forever. I don't want to go through the motions of it all with someone else. Someone who may look perfect, feel perfect, but just not be perfect.

I don't want to open myself up and put my feelings on the line when I know that there will come a point when I have to walk away. I've never been the one who wanted to date for dating sake. I wanted to play for keeps even when I was just 13 and I had my first boyfriend. So someone please try to help me understand the point of dating someone when your heart longs for the one.

The last part was supposed to be the end, but I just remember some thoughts I wrote the other day while my students were testing. Hope you like it.

The Potential of Us (9/10/09)

I want to love you more than I want to breathe.
You are what has caused me to soar.
You are what allows me to succeed.
You are what makes me fear failure.
You are the one that I want to love.

I want to grow with you.
I want to change from the person who only imagined you.
I want to be the one who relishes you...
the one who bathes in your touch.
I want to experience you in waves and sounds.

Your love makes me want to exceed the reach of love's limitations.
The peak of my happiness becomes immeasurable because of my devotion to you.
Fly with me on this celestial high.
Allow yourself to experience the fullness of me loving you.

What Exactly Am I Doing Here?

I keep asking myself what exactly are you doing here? Why exactly are you living in a situation that brings you daily sadness? Why are you in this city where you never seem to do anything except get lost? Why does any of it even matter anymore? Why are you suddenly so sad about everything?

The only answer I ever have is that I followed the will of God. I still believe that. My sadness/semi-depression is all about life in the natural. I am suffering as a human being. I am suffering from loneliness. I am suffering from the loss of my best friend. I am suffering because I'm isolated from everything and everyone that I love. I am already seeking God's forgiveness as I write this because I know that at the end of it all I will be ok because in coming here I did what I was supposed to do. Who can tell me what to do right now? What am I supposed to do with the part in the middle? How am I supposed to find a sense of calm or happiness?

I am tired from working so hard to make a good impression with kids that I'm not invested in. I am having a hard time smiling through being told "I'm a redneck and I support the rebel flag." These kids are not my kids. I miss MY kids. And yet I am painfully aware that I was initially disconnected from them too. They were once not MY kids. The thing is they are now and I don't know what to do with kids that hate Obama just because he's black. Realistically, that would have to mean they hate me too. I'm sure they don't think of that as they proudly say these things. The question is still what am I supposed to do?

What am I supposed to do with any of this? What am I supposed to do with being sad about DJ AM? What am I supposed to do with the stupid questions about why I get sad when things happen to people I don't know? How can you not feel sad for his family and his friends who will never see him again? How can you not feel sad at the loss of potential?

I am tired of feeling like this. I'm tired of wondering why everyone seems to be living a life that I thought I would have. Shouldn't I be happy that Alex has a baby boy? Ummm, that would be a resounding NO. Sure, I'm happy that he's moved on with his life and all of that. He's a great guy and I wanted nothing more than for him to have the things that he wanted. But what about what I wanted? When does any of that get to happen? When do I get to be a wife, a mom, a happy individual again? It's funny because I'm supposed to be being freed from oppression. Right now I just don't see that happening.

The Lonely Girl Blues

So I have the lonely new girl blues and I want to go on a date! Truthfully, I've been wanting to go on a date for a while so I guess those are unrelated issues. I don't quite know what to do. I don't even know what to say. There are so many variables that are causing me to be the lonely girl. I don't know anyone here is leading the pack. My coworkers are nice people, but right now I feel alone in a room. It reminds me of the essay that I wrote with that title. If you've never read it, I'll send it to you. It's not something that I want to post here. This is too public of a forum.

Anyway, I went to the library the other day and I saw the cutest guy ever. I sat there virtually stalking him until the library closed. He asked me to watch his laptop. I complied, but what I really wanted was for him to ask me for my number or to go to starbucks or anything that would have meant that I wouldn't have to go home and reflect. There are truly way too many things for me to reflect on right now. But, he left. He went about his way and I was left with the lonely girl blues.

If You Obey Him, You Will Be Blessed

The cat is officially out of the bag. I'm moving to Tallahassee. I wanted to do my best to bring everyone up to speed. I will admit to being afraid to tell a couple of you I was leaving. This is part of the reason for the public forum. Well, here we go.

The story begins 3 years ago. My favorite cousin blessed me with tickets to an FSU game. I went with one of my best friends. I had the privilege to visit one of our sister churches (Greater Blessings Tabernacle of Praise) while I was there. I felt an instant connection. Over the past 3 years I have visited often, but recently I started to feel different.

A few months ago, I almost joined the Greater Blessings. I had spent the night before talking to friends about God, prayer, and purpose. I was uncertain about how they were receiving the words, but when we went to church the next morning the word was confirmed through the pastor. I was so full of God's love and presence. I felt like I was supposed to be there so when they opened the doors of the church I almost stood up. I stopped and laughed to myself because I am a member of a church. I am a member of the church that is where Greater Blessing sprung forth from. I brushed it aside.

In the months that followed, I continuously felt like I was supposed to go there. I didn't make any movements because I never wanted to live in Tallahassee, I planned to go back to Atlanta with my uncle, and I already had a church that I loved. None of it made sense to me so I just left it alone. The thoughts didn't leave me though.

Last month while visiting Greater Blessings I received a word from the man of God. I was told several things. One of the things that sticks out is about an occupational change. He told me that I was holding up someone else's departure and that when I went to get the job it would be given to me. He also said that God was leading me to the place that I should go. I knew in my heart the word concerned Tallahassee, but I still just didn't want to go.

On Monday, I applied to Leon county schools in Tallahassee. On Tuesday, I was called for an interview. On Wednesday, I was hired on the spot. This is a testament to obedience. There is so much more that can be said about what happened yesterday. My dress broke just before the interview. I had to go to the interview in jeans and flip flops. I was so unsure about myself and about how things were going, etc., etc. The point I'm trying to make with all of this is that when God wants you to do something, do it. Don't hesitate. Don't rationalize it in your mind. Just obey Him and watch while he shows out.

Public Service Announcement

Tomorrow I have an interview in Atlanta. I know that some of you will pray or have been praying for quite some time. Here's a little helpful piece of advice. Please don't pray that I get the job. Please don't pray using if then scenarios either. What I've been praying and what I'd like you to pray is that God opens the door that is for me and keeps all others closed. I am praying this prayer because I want what God wants. I don't want to make anymore choices that I have to do over. Yes, we all make mistakes in life. I just don't want this to be one of them.

The drive here today was very difficult. Driving to Atlanta stopped being fun for me a while ago. It is becoming downright dreadful. I talked to God. I talked to myself. I sang songs and I wondered if coming here was going to help me get my butt in place. I wondered how he would find me. Some of you will know what that means and some won't.... I'm ok with that.

I have some pretty strong feelings about where and why. I feel like it's all a part of God's plan. I just want to be sure. I just want to finally go through a trial without the error. So please, I beg of you pray that God opens His doors. This trial doesn't have room for any other prayers

Are You About Done Yet?

So, I'm sitting at work bored out of my mind trying to play games on facebook. It occurs to me that I really don't want to be at work. I really don't want to be on facebook. All I really want is a nap. The problem is it's already seven and if I close my eyes for even 10 minutes I will be up all night. I will be up thinking about the very things that rack my brain all day. The main one is, are you about done yet?

Are you about done acting like a butthead? Are you about done pretending that you don't know what you're supposed to be doing? Are you about done going through day after day like a mindless zombie? Really are you about done with that?

These questions are on my mind so much it feels like I'm talking to myself. Today I added are you really going to drive to ATL tomorrow? I guess that's the only one that comes with the simple answer of yes. I'm so tired right now. My mind is tired. My body is tired. My eyes are tired of staring at this computer screen. Yet that doesn't answer the overarching question. Are you about done yet? Really would like to know so that I can stop the fog of the past few days at 3.

The Future

The future that awaits me seems so far away. The dreams fulfilled are still in the dreaming stage. The plans I'm making are like the yeast rolls my grandma used to make. They are covered while I'm waiting for them to rise. I see it. I see it so clearly. I see my life, my loves, my family. I see it all in front of me. Yet it is like a movie scene and I am watching it, waiting for the lead actress to start looking like what I see in the mirror. Will she fall ill? Will she feel like she just needs a night off? Will the director just wave his hand and give me my part? I'm the understudy, but the part is mine. Always has been and I know that I will shine in the future, but what am I to do right now?

Yesterday

Yesterday was nerve racking. Yesterday was great. Yesterday was yesterday. No matter what happens I won't ever feel the anxiety that I felt while searching for a poem. I won't feel the disappointment of not feeling like I had anything that said the right things. I won't feel the release of being able to put into words what my Saturday was like. I felt so absolutely free the moment the last word left me and now just one day later I'm feeling different. It's like they were only words. They held so much power, but today is all I have. Yesterday doesn't belong to me anymore.

I Used To Love Her

I used to love her, but now I don't. I thought that I had so much more to say than I do right now. I guess it's because I'm wondering what I could say that wouldn't come across the wrong way. In reality, I used to love her is a little bit too strong of a statement. It is also only part of a bigger thought. I used to love her, but then I asked myself why. Why do you love her? What is it about her? Is it her smile? Is it the way her eyes have a spark in them when she laughs. Is it her calm/quiet demeanor?

I don't think it's any of those things. I loved her because you did. I loved her because you saw the promise in her. You saw her smile, her sparkle, her kindness....You fell in love with her. You were the catalyst for my good thoughts and my bad. You were the reason I used to love her. Now, you're the reason I do not.

Timing Is Everything

I find myself in a bit of a pickle. I am feeling so liberated and so free. I had one of the best times this past week. I had the opportunity to share myself with a group of students. It was a part of my job. I had to teach them about work readiness. What impressed me the most was how much I was able to learn about myself by simply being open with them.

I played a game with them called my circle. The point is to share important things about yourself with the group in an effort to get to know each other. I shared something about one of my best friends. One comment led to another and another. Before the week was over I knew that those kids knew more about me than some of my closest friends. It felt great to be able to voice what was going on inside. It felt great and I thought what could be better than this?

The thing is, I've been being a bit of a coward. Life for me is great right now. It is truly an unbelievable feeling. The problem is it can be so much better. It's great, but it can be phenomenal. It can be everything that I've always imagined. I'm in position for everything that I ever thought I might want to come to pass. It is scary. It is a lesson about timing. My friend says that timing is everything and he's right. Timing is everything. You have to know when to move. You have to know when to speak. You have to know when to be patient. I know that it's time to move. The kids helped me to see when it would be time to speak. Patience....well, I'm working on that one. I feel so at peace because this is my time. This is my time. This is my time. :)

And they ask me if I'm in love....

I am a little annoyed right now because all of a sudden my decisions have to be dissected like the poor defenseless frogs in biology class. I am not some impulsive person who just does things on a whim. I think about things. I pray about things. I think about them some more. I am always looking to God for an answer.

Lately, I am sure about things. I am peaceful in my spirit. I am excited. I am full. I am bombarded with people who can't stand my beauty because they don't like what stares back at them in the mirror. I am bombarded with why would you do that? It simply doesn't make sense. It is annoying, but it is the nature of the beast. People can't help being haters. People can't help wanting you to feel down just because something in their sad little lives is not going their way. Well guess what.....

Your sadness will not make me wallow in pain. Your emptiness will not fill my soul to its capacity. Your complaints will not reach my ears. I am shutting the door and closing you out. I am relishing the fact that in each of my days there is happiness. In each of my days there is a new beginning. I am changing and when they ask me if I'm in love the answer will be YES!

What Could Be Better Than That?

When I originally started this over two weeks ago, it was to be titled "If God Is Not Responsible, Who Is". Then the thought shifted to "What's Love Got To Do With It?". This was followed by "Ride or Die", "The Power of Prayer", and most recently "Soul mates". I think that there is something to be said about all of those things and I will, but right now I'm just so happy with the move of God. I'm so happy that He's been showing me who to be connected with, how to speak out, and how to be silent. He's showing me how to walk by faith each moment of the day. It is awesome.

Last Saturday I was determined to drink a Mucho Long Island Iced Tea. I was determined because I had a long day and I wasn't mentally prepared to deal with someone who was in my presence. I ordered the drink, but God ordered my steps and it sat there for two hours while I talked about the intricacies of God.

Last night (Friday) I went to Chili's where I had previously spent many a drunken night. I had such an awesome time with my sister. We were sharing the blessings of God. It made me realize how much I am changing...how much I've already changed. Where I was before, no one dwells now. I am leading the life that I was meant to live. I can say that it is much easier than I thought. It is much easier to build, grow, and dream. It is much easier to see the promises that are waiting for me. It is much easier to walk unattended, unhampered. There are still people who want who I was. These are the ones that I dreamt about. These are the ones who will not share in the promise. The dream was sad, but the reality is A-W-E-S-O-M-E.

I am feeling uninhibited and free. I don't have anyone or anything holding me back from being the woman God created and it is truly the best feeling ever. I'm sure. I'm happy. I'm favored by God. What could be better than that?

What to do.....what to do?

What do you do when you feel like you are watching someone walk out of the will of God? Do you sit by and say a prayer (while doing nothing)? Do you look for ways to tell them this just does not feel right? Do you try to explain what it's like on the outside looking in? Do you pretend that it just is not happening? What do you do? How do you?

I've watched before and said nothing. I've shown support when I didn't want to. I've prayed and given unsolicited advise. I'm in such a paradox right now. I want to help. I need to help, but what do you do to stop someone from changing your life?

Friends, Family, and Associates

You know the devil is busy when all you want to do is write an open letter to your friends, family, and associates entitled "Why Don't You Just Kiss My A@@". Right now that's precisely how I feel but instead of doing that I'll say this
"The Lord bless you, and keep you;
The Lord make His face shine on you,
And be gracious to you;
The Lord lift up His countenance upon you,
And give you peace."'

Now, I hope that 2 things happen. The first being that those of you who act like children would stop. The second being that God will truly bless you and deliver us all from the things that are keeping us bound.

Random Musings

I feel like I'm stuck in an over analysis of life. Lately I've been consumed with thoughts about what the right and wrong thing to do are. I don't mean it in the sense of murder being wrong while helping a neighbor is right. I mean what's right in our everyday decision making. Did God want me to do this or that? Was I supposed to say something or keep my thoughts to myself. I am stressing myself out and I don't even know why it takes so much thought. It's not that I don't want to do the right things. I just don't want to think about it so much.

I worried myself to death about a choice one of my friends is making. The sad part is I support his choice. I was just so afraid that somehow he hadn't spent enough time consulting God. I didn't want him to make a choice that would cause him to be out of God's will. But honestly who am I to say what God's will is for him or anyone else for that matter. I'm trying my best to figure it out. I know there will be mistakes along the way. I just hope that I end up on the right side.

The Reason Why

The reason why I don't bother with certain things is because doing so is without purpose. All week I've been toying with should I or shouldn't I disclose the doctor's findings. Well today I did to one of my bf's and doing so only helped me to understand the reason why I didn't in the first place. The reaction was...stale is a good word to describe it. It was like a stale bag of cookies. On the surface they look great, but they'll break your teeth off if you try to bite into it. I feel like the teeth in the analogy. Well, not exactly. I feel the pain of struggling to get through. I feel the lingering affects of continually hitting against something that was just too hard to digest. I feel it, but I don't feel like I should have to. I share so much of what happens with me because that's just who I am. I'm guarded when I need to be, but in essence I'm the most open person ever. That's why it's so hard for me to admit that this time, I won't let anyone (else) in on what's happened. I won't and I hope no one feels offended. It's just that I don't view it as so tragic anymore and really I can't bear reliving the heartache over and over again. Cause at the end of the day, I'm gonna be just fine.

You Can Breathe Now

I figured I'd have to set some of you at ease. I apologize for not realizing that some people view everything as a death sentence. So here we go.
1. I'm not dying. At least not imminently. One day I will die just like everyone else.
2. When I said the doctor changed the course of my life, she did. I love my doctor because she is such a straight shooter. She's never held back with me and there was no difference yesterday. I was in her office for a total of 15 minutes. That was all it took for her to pronounce something that has changed things. I guess what people don't understand is that a doctor's diagnosis whether it's good or bad is designed to change you. If you get a clean bill of health, you breathe a sigh of relief and mentally check off the things that you can do to continue to do well. If you have high cholesterol, you change your diet, exercise, etc. When she told me five years ago that I had fibroid tumors, endometriosis, polycystic ovaries, and an inverted uterus....well first I tried to figure out what all of that meant. Then, I realized that my life was different. She changed it then and she changed it yesterday. I didn't mean for it to come across like it was the end of the world. But it was the end of the world that I knew until that point. I love everyone for their care and concern. Now it's time to pray.

Here we go again

I have been writing about being afraid of the dreams, well they're back. Only it's worse than before. I just scared my aunt so bad. I could hear myself screaming, but there was nothing that I could do. Nothing could change what I saw. I saw it and this is way worse than any dream that was before. I wish I could explain. I wish I could stop the pain that was in my throat. I can't because I'm awake and that means that what just happened wasn't only a dream. I am afraid. Afraid to lie down. Afraid to turn off the light. Afraid of the reality of what I've just seen.

As Time Passes By

As time passes by things are bound to change. People enter your life and they leave it. Often we usher people out over misunderstandings and heartache. Often we allow pride to stand in the way. Often we are just so confused. But when there is a moment of clarity. When you realize that you love someone so much that every word you say is for them, for their benefit. When you realize that even though it hurts so bad you can't imagine the next moment. When you realize that you have to do what's best even if that means letting them go. Time keeps passing by and I keep trying to understand all the love and the loss. I can't. I can't understand how I ever became so strong. I can't understand sitting here wondering why on earth I would hold on to something that I ushered out. Why would I have tears still? As time passes by it gets easier, but it hurts. It hurts like it was yesterday only it is everyday. Everyday and all the time. I am a complete jumble of tears and feelings and words that don't make sense to anyone and I wish someone knew I wish someone understood that despite time passing by the pain of it all is fresh
still

I Love You

Tonight I feel so hopeful. I just watched Peyton and Lucas get married. I watched them and though it seems that they may not have a happy ending, I am hopeful still. I am hopeful because the stories that I am drawn to are real stories about real people. I know a couple who is just like them....

Even still, there is something besides the hope. The dream I had last night escapes me. I remember the man. He was fine, but he wasn't perfect. In the dream, I was uncertain about him. I was hesitant and he was there still. I don't know about the specifics, but I see his face. I see his mom. All day long I've been wondering if this will be like the dreams before. Will what I saw come to pass? Or is it all another symbol of what I've already seen? I want to know the answer, but I know that I must wait. I must be patient. I must be so many things that by nature I am not. I am hopeful and for once that is the easy part.

Sleepless Nights

I am so tired right now. For the past two nights I've had trouble getting to sleep. I know that this is partially because my activities during the day have been so mundane that my body is tired, but my mind is on overdrive. I don't know why I keep thinking the same thoughts and dreaming these dreams. I wake in the morning and I am left feeling exhausted like I've just gone to battle. I don't know what the battle is about. I just know that I'm tired of the feeling.

I'm tired and there's not a lot that I can do about it. I think about the possibility of taking a nap, but now there is no time. Now, there is a job that I know will soon be great. It's in the process of something, but the process and my sleepless nights are not in concert with each other. I just feel like I need a moment of clarity. I need a moment where my head is clear, my sleep is uninterrupted, and my waking hours have more meaning than just being there.

I Can't Take It Anymore

I am writing this in a semi sad state so I apologize in advance if it is offensive. Well, then again I don’t apologize. I am sad because people are not taking into account my feelings. The main issue right now is with boys feeling like they can tell me all of their deep little feelings and then walk away from the conversation like it never even happened. I don’t understand how anyone could do this. I really don’t understand this person because he knows me. He knows that I am sensitive. He knows that I am a thinker. He knows and still he decided that this great disclosure would just be ok. He never thought about what it would do to me. He never thought about how I would be uncomfortable with my own thoughts. He never thought about the fact that I may have always thought of him, always wanted to hear these things from him. He never thought about it and if he did he didn’t care.
If he cared, he would’ve remembered the night I sat on the curb crying when he was with that stupid girl. He would have remembered that not having a chance with him hurt me so bad that I wrote about it in a journal that for some reason he has as a keepsake. He would’ve remembered and realized that he shouldn’t tell me because I was into him. He would have realized that I’ve always thought he was great. He would have realized that I loved him and…. He just wouldn’t have told me if he thought about something besides the words coming out of his mouth.
P.S. I don’t want to talk about this with random people. I don’t want to know what you think or that you’re sorry or anything really. And if you happen to be the boy who decided to tell the truth, I don’t know what else to say to make you understand how I’m feeling so don’t be mad if it all ends up on this blog.

So I Was Just Thinking

I was just thinking about how it is really important to not but your faith in people. I am grateful to have been taught this lesson. It is recently been on my mind because people are so fickle. People tell you one thing and then use their wonderful free will to up and change their minds. People make promises that they simply can not keep. I am frustrated because I feel like I'm a simple girl with simple needs. I don't require a lot from people. I try really hard to just be fair. Often it doesn't work out the way I would like it to, but that doesn't stop me from trying.....

I haven't put myself in a position to be disappointed by anyone. I just feel that quite a few people's recent actions are disappointing. I don't understand how the value systems of my friends are being thrown out the window for......well, I don't know what for. I don't know why one of my friends took to the airwaves to diss somebody. I don't know why two of my best girls are at odds. I don't know why a good friend won't admit that he's hurting. And I certainly don't know what to do with I don't believe. It's just all a mess, but thankfully for once it isn't mine.

I Feel Like I Can Make It....

...the storm is indeed over. I recently spent a great deal of time toying with something. I did the toying in private because I didn't want anyone to have anything to say about it. I didn't want to have to justify or clarify what I was feeling. I still don't. I just want to say it's all better now. I still didn't sleep well last night. It seems that now that I'm done toying I've graduated to obsessing.

I had the same thought all the way to Georgia on Thursday and all the way back to Florida today. I tried listening to a CD, but the words just made me sure that the toying had been for nothing and no matter what it looks like today, I already received a promise. I feel like I can make it through the weeks ahead without worry about the outcome. I feel like I can make it through months and even (God forbid) years if it is necessary.

I have seen the fulfillment of the promise and I must say that some of it makes me sad. Many will be lost because they won't be able to embrace the fact that what's for me is for me. They will not care that I am happy. They will not care that it's what God wants. They will look at my promise, my joy, and feel angry. I am sad because these people will not only lose me, but they will lose the blessing of being joined together. I am sad but, it's God's promise and I feel like I can make it....

Incomplete

I couldn't have imagined how hard it would be to be at home. I thought that I would come back and have some great adventure. The problem is I came back and I'm reminded that I don't have a home. Yesterday, a friend of my sister asked if I lived in Sarasota. I told her I don't live anywhere. She gave me a puzzled look, but it is the truth.

How can I say I live in Atlanta when I don't have a life there? How can I say I live in Bradenton when here, I don't have a home? It is the basis of what has made being here so unsettling, but it is not what has been keeping me up the past few nights.

At first is was the marathon conversation that I had last week with Cameron, then it was the dreams. I should say it was the fear of the dreams, because truly I have not recently had one. It's just that I have been reminded of the first one. I have been reminded that when I asked God a question, a critical question, He answered me in a dream. He answered me and though it was clear I was confused. I didn't know what I was supposed to do because in my minds eye the answer did not satisfy the question.

The answer was received three years ago. I have asked the same question many times since then. In the beginning, God showed me the same answer. After a while, He stopped responding at all. For a long time I wondered why He would stop answering me. It was only a few days ago that I realized He hadn't stopped answering. Like any parent He simply grew tired of repeating what He knew had already been told.

He Was Feeling Me Too??? Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

It all started with I need your help. That's not true, it all started seven years ago in an apartment at Knight's Krossing. At that time I was naive, closed off from the possibility of my own greatness. I was not yet searching for completeness, but I was searching for acceptance. Acceptance isn't the right word. I think validation is more precise. I was searching for someone who understood me, who was in tuned with the inside of me.

I've always had people who accepted me. My family accepts me. My friends accept me. None of them get me. None of them understand what it's like to walk in my shoes. I feel things on a level that is often overwhelming for me. I often don't know quite how to put things into words and when I do I'm laughed at or misunderstood. It is terrible and extremely lonely at times. For example, I was completely serious when writing my last post. Problem is everyone thought it was for comic relief. I know that 90210 is a TV show, but I felt for Donna and David the same way I feel for my real friends. I know that in TV land they were meant to be. Their love is real.

Today was great because for two hours I was reminded that I am understood...at least by one person. He has always understood me even from our first meeting. He feels what I feel when I'm trying to get a point across. He hurts or is happy and it's awesome. It's awesome, but today in the midst of it all was a crease. We had a wrinkle in the fabric of our relationship.

I always thought that I had been naked before him. I always thought that he knew the truths without me telling them, but the one thing that he didn't know was that he is my truth. He is my beginning and my end. He is my acceptance and my failure. He is the possibility and the improbability. He is me and I am him, but we are two. Two hearts, two lives, two beings whose lives intersected by chance or maybe by fate. I have always believed that we were meant to meet. What would it be like if we were meant to be?

Are You Freaking Kidding Me?

I have waited for almost 10 years for the return of Donna Martin to 90210 and these yahoos have the nerve to bring her back and say that her and David are separated!!!!!! Am I the only one who remembers their wedding? I still cry when I think about what David and Donna went through to be together. I am OFFICIALLY done. I can't believe this, this is worse than when Josh and Reva split up on the Guiding Light. I think I'm going to have to go into counseling.....

Preventing Another Senseless Death

Everyday people lose their lives in senseless deaths. The news reports chronicle the life of the deceased. We sit and listen to the television or read intently about it over the internet. We share our horror and outrage in conversations, emails, and texts. We put our heads together trying in vain to find ways to prevent another senseless death. In these moments we would do anything, be anything to comfort the grieving parent. In our efforts to make sense of what happened we forget that everyday many perpetuate the ultimate senseless death. For every child lost in a drive by, for every mother or father claimed by a drunk driver there is one Jesus. One Jesus whose death is senseless to all that do not know Him. Take the time to share your story of Jesus. Your action can help prevent another senseless death.

Anjanette

I had the kind of day that seemed destined to end up bad. I woke up before the alarm because I was having a bad dream. I can't really remember what happened, but it was something physical because my back was hurting and I was very uncomfortable. This made is so difficult to get out of bed. It was like my back hurts, it's cold, and nothing good really happens when I go to job fairs anyway. But, I drug myself out of bed and decided to put on something pretty to jump start my day.

I arrived at the job fair and momentarily thought I'd beat the crowd. When I saw the line, I wanted to turn around and get in the car. It was ridiculous. There are just not enough words in the English language to describe how many people were in the line. My spirits went back to where they were when I woke up. Thankfully, I was in line next to one of the nicest ladies. She was a mom and maybe I was putting off the I need to be mothered vibe or maybe she's just awesome. I don't care which because with a few words she changed the course of my day for the rest of the day.

Anjanette gave me advice and a smile....a genuine smile. The kind that was effortless. I appreciated it so much that I took it with me to booth after booth. I held it in my heart when being told that my resume sucked (it helped that I already totally felt like this). Anjanette was with me and she is with me now as I am typing this. I have no idea if I will ever see her again, but our brief time made such a profound impression on me.

Now, to the other part of the day. I had lunch with a new friend. It was really nice and sweet. It was easy just enjoying the space and being me. I was sad to hear that he will be in my space for only a short time. Hopefully I will carry the memory of our day together in the same way that I am carrying Anjanette.

Things that make you go.....

So I'm sitting here first of all majorly annoyed because I've spent what equals up to hours out of my life have "conversations" with someone who couldn't pick me out of a line up if his life depended on it. Now, looks are so superficial. It's just who talks to someone if they don't know what they look like. In defense of this young man, I am not assuming he's trying to get with me or anything like that. I think he just likes talking to me in a general sense. I am just beyond annoyed that he doesn't know what I look like. Here I thought I was unforgettable. Anyhow, I don't want to write about that anymore because I'm mad, mad, mad.

I'm also wondering why one friend hides my existence from his gf, another kisses me (in a friendly sort of way) in front of his gf, and yet another puzzling male just seems stuck in teenage crushville. I told my sister that since catching the bouquet things have gotten really really weird. The boys I know have completely gone made.

What makes me laugh is yet another (yes, I have a lot of male friends) who wants to hang out, but doesn't seem to know what to say to me to get it to happen. It is all quite hilarious to me especially seeing that I am the poster child for single. I am without romantic attachment, yet I have all of this strange behavior. In the grand scheme of things, I'd love to be with someone. It would have to be the right someone. I think in my present state of mind I'd just laugh and be annoyed with any Mr. Right Nows.

Alone in a Room

It is so easy to lose count of the words you say and the things you do. It is so easy to find yourself stuck having feelings that you have no idea where they originated from or why they are so strong. This week has been a bit lonely and introspective. It is amazing how something that was once billed as the great adventure could turn into just a whole lot of empty space.

I have been in Atlanta all week. I have been alone with my thoughts and alone with my journals. My journals are probably far scarier than the thoughts I have now. I read them and I'm sad. I don't even know the person who wrote those things. It is different from not remembering her. I simply don't know her. She is as foreign to me as you could possibly get. Yet, I read her words and I am so sad for her. I am so sad that I couldn't be there for her. I'm so sad that she gave so much of herself for nothing. She loved so hard and the only thing she ever got for her trouble was heartbroken.

I envy her though. She was often hurting so bad, but she wasn't afraid to just keep trying. If she liked a boy, she would wrestle with it in her mind and then jump in heart first. If she wanted to try something new, she would. She was completely out of control, but I envy her because she had no idea how strong she really was.

The tears and disappointments were shaping her into this woman who is more confident, but deathly afraid of risks. She was creating the woman who is typing this. The one who just spent a week by herself wondering what on earth am I doing? Where am I going with this? What am I supposed to do next? I have pondered many things and I have no answers only more questions. I feel completely helpless when there should be some sense of empowerment. I don't know. I've had a few laughs, ran down memory lane, and still I am lost. I am so at home, but I have no home.

My uncle is great by the way. He hasn't been all up in my face trying to force me to talk about it or anything. He just offers me my favorite cereal and gives me the space I need to just figure it out. I love him for not being one of those in your face people, but it is the gift and the curse. I need a sounding board. I need something to happen.... I bought a megamillions ticket today. Maybe I'm about to be a millionaire. Maybe I'm just about to be stuck in another aimless day.

For Cameron

Ok so I know that you guys are like wow we are getting a ton of stuff all of a sudden. Well, I'm just inspired I guess. I love love and I love love music. If you haven't experienced the HLP Love Campaign, you are really missing out. It would be silly of me to try to put it into words so I won't.

The previous post about leaving doors cracked as opposed to closing them has been on my mind all day. I met the author of that post seven years ago. My life was changed when we met. Cameron is such a special person. There are many things that I could say about him. I love him because he's always been just Cameron. We were always comfortable with each other without pretense. It is crazy because I was meant to meet him, but it almost didn't happen.

My girlfriend was dating his brother and they were stopping through town to visit her. She was called away at the last minute and needed someone to entertain them in her absence. I didn't want to. I told her as much. I'd never met either of them and really I just did not want to rearrange my day to fit in two strange men. But she was my friend and that means that regardless of how I felt about it, it had to be done.

I remember that day just like I'm living it now. It was easy with him even from hello. He has a way about him. He's a charmer, but that isn't what stood out. It was the part of him that's underneath the smile and the good looks. I was drawn to him as I am now because he is me and I am him. I love Cameron Haney and I'm so happy that we are friends.

" leaving a door cracked is not the same as closing it" by Cameron Haney

My friend Cameron wrote this to his blog. It is really good. Hope you like it.


leaving a door cracked is not the same as closing it, but usually that is exactly what we do in life.... a so called safety net, call it lying to ourselves, but the bottom line is that we leave ourselves with a way back in... usually to doors that REALLY need to be closed. for instance when it comes to vices and relationships...., say you have a porn addiction, you stop watching it, but u keep em in your room.... is it just in case?.... u r leaving the door cracked, it's not closed, if u really don't want it anymore, then throw it out!!.... or in relationships, u say I'm done with him or her, i wont call them anymore.... but u leave the their number in your phone....for what, your are giving things a way in...they say when a door closes God opens another.... then you sit wondering why it hasn't happened, why God hasn't giving you that man or that woman you have been asking him for... it is because God can't open a door until the first one is CLOSED... and cracked is not closed... sometimes you block your own blessing, by trying to do it your way, on your terms, not God's, when u really need to just get out of the way!..... they say if u don't want the fruits of sin, stay out of the devil orchard...... most of us pride ourselves of not eating the fruit but we are still in the orchard...... still flirting with it, still fooling ourselves... this happens with people, relationships, every aspects of our lives. We are playing the hokie pokie with God, you know, one foot in, one foot out. meeting someone new but still calling casually callin the person u were tryin to let go of.. leaving the door cracked. it's like making up the bed but not changing the sheets... it's not really clean...... that's why some people, never grow, never move forward, we are so comfortable with our lives even the misery in it, that we hold on to the familiar, even when its not healthy for us. we fool ourselves to think we r moving on or have moved on, but we wont till we let go of our safety nets, or what they really are, our anchors.....